St. Louis, MO — Anheuser-Busch Companies, famous for brewing beer, malt beverages, energy drinks, and bottled water, announced today that it would be hopping on the bandwagon in support of President Biden’s push to get 70% of American adults at least partially vaccinated by Independence Day.
“Anheuser-Busch announced that the beer’s on them on July the Fourth,”
“Anheuser-Busch announced that the beer’s on them on July the Fourth,” said Mr. Biden at the White House on Wednesday. “That’s right. Get a shot and have a beer! Free beer for everyone 21 years or over to celebrate independence from the virus.” Eligible adults will need to upload a non-compromising picture of themselves at their favorite watering hole — whether it’s at home, face down at a bar, or behind the wheel — to grab a free beer. Just send it to MyCooler.com/Beer to get a $5 virtual debit card that can be used for an Anheuser-Busch product.
West Virginia has come up with its own lottery scheme
West Virginia has come up with its own lottery scheme: giving newly-vaccinated teens a chance to win rifles and shotguns. The state will give away five custom hunting rifles and shotguns through its lottery, with the drawings taking place on June 20 for Fathers Day — all without informing their parents.
A host of other companies are also offering an array of incentives, including Krispy Kreme, Target, Kroger, Microsoft, and Doordash, which has spawned a long list of new vaccination incentives:
- Early paroles will be granted to inmates at Sing Sing Correctional Facility in Ossining, New York, along with the ever-popular Get to Know an Inmate program, where members of the general public can spend a weekend in a cramped, putrid cell with thugs, thieves, and child molesters at San Quentin State Prison, Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, or Rikers Island.
- Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club in Las Vegas will be offering free lap dances for customers over the age of 18, who get vaccinated at the famous strip club. Each customer will receive a special platinum membership card, a free bottle on the house, and dances from “vaccinated entertainers.”
- Discounts for outpatient colonoscopies with every vaccination at Dr. Loo’s Jiffy Clean Clinic in Monroe, LA. And just to sweeten the deal, the activist group, Buffalo Cannabis Movement from Briny Breezes, Florida will be offering its popular Joints and Bongs program to people in the waiting room. Megan Krest, a patient waiting for her first Roto-Rooter job said, “Ya know man, I think it’s a totally cool way for people to, ya know, incentivize getting their shots.”
- Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium is offering one-on-one Hug a Gorilla and Wrestle a Ball Python sessions, in addition to its already popular Bobbing for Piranhas tank, for everyone who can show having at least one vaccination.
Celeste’s European Wax and Scream Spa in Lubbock, Texas will be offering free Brazilian waxing for vaccinated men who have never experienced the thrill of having the hair covering their testicles ripped out by the root.
- The state of Illinois has begun setting up mobile vaccination sites at rifle ranges across the state. It’s giving away 100 free targets, accompanied by 100 free shots of tequila to anyone who gets vaccinated there. Designated drivers are recommended.
- Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey announced it would be offering free rides on their Kingda Ka roller coaster to people getting vaccinated during their rides. Kingda Ka is the tallest roller coaster in the world at 456 feet, and is the second-fastest roller coaster in the world, just behind Formula Rossa, located in Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. Unfortunately, they’re not offering vaccinations at this time.
Not to be outdone, thousands of small businesses and practices across the country have decided to get in on the action by offering their own incentives, like free root canals at the Daryl B Payne Dental Group in Mobile, AL, discounted tonsillectomies at the Jack Kevorkian Drive-through Medical Clinic in Hurt, Virginia, and free condoms at all participating CVS drugstores.
President Biden pleaded with Americans, “to get their shots, hoping to reach the 70 percent mark so we can declare independence from covid-19 and free ourselves from the grip it has held over our lives.”
So, get out there and get your lap dance and Krispy Kremes. We’re all in this together.
