NEW YORK, NY — In an unprecedented move, the National Football League (NFL) announced today that all quarterbacks will be required to wear the groundbreaking VICIS ZERO2 MATRIX QB helmet around the clock, both on and off the field. The decision comes as part of a league-wide initiative to reduce concussions and other injuries, as well as an unexpected attempt to curb off-field…
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I Only Have a Few Months to Live But my drooling has gotten much better!
Every morning before I open my eyes to the rest of the world, I convince myself this is the day I’m going to die. It has to be. Anyone who’s lived as crappy a life as I have is bound to be suffering from something that will fast track them to the pearly gates. But to get a better handle…
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New Horizons in Weight Control Exciting inventions to help you lose weight without counting calories or going on a diet
During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of thrilling new products designed to help me lose weight. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet. They were still in the figment of someone’s imagination phase, based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day.…
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How to Clean Your Bum And other important product descriptions you may have missed
Mitchum Antiperspirant: Remove the cap from the top of the product casing. Twist the knob at the bottom of the container counter-clockwise, until the product begins to ooze from the small holes at the top of the dispenser. While holding the dispenser in your right hand, lift your left elbow away from your naked body until your upper arm is…
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Those Good Old Time Diseases Why nobody gets Dry Bellyache or Bucket Fever these days
I was a first-grader at Van Nuys Elementary School the first time I came into contact with the medical system and its old time diseases. As a healthy child, the only thing that slowed me down was the occasional off-color weenie on “Hot Dog Friday.” None of the hair-netted ladies behind the steam table thought for a minute that I…
