When my dentist gave me the bad news, I was naturally distraught over the possibility of losing half of my teeth. Even after years of religiously brushing, flossing and wrestling with my Waterpik, the entire lower left-hand quadrant as well as a few other strategically located molars had succumbed to periodontal disease, so eating anything denser than applesauce started to become a challenge. The one redeeming factor was that I’d be partially reimbursed by the Tooth Fairy. I was introduced to the practice of exchanging my lost baby teeth for money when I was 5 years old. My mother told me if I put a tooth under my pillow, the…
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Better Living through Drug Addiction It's easy getting through life... as long as you have pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamins, tranquilizers, hormones, and suppositories
I’m hopelessly addicted to drugs. You name a pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamin, tranquilizer, hormone, douche or suppository and I’ve not only taken it, but I’ve abused it. Largely because I have an addiction. Anything worth taking is worth taking a lot. In all fairness, I can’t take the blame for my wayward behavior. It began the day I popped out of my mother’s womb when the pediatric nurses started basting me with petroleum jelly and baby lotion like I was a Thanksgiving turkey. In those days, babies were always covered with something. Pediatricians were convinced by the drug companies that it was dangerous for a baby’s skin to…
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Dealin’ Delbert’s Fine Used Babies The joy of shopping online for our discount baby
With the economy in the toilet for the third straight year, Matt and Kimberly Williams were beginning to doubt they’d ever be able to afford the large brood of babies they dreamed about while dating at Harvard. Matt lost his job as the Chief Financial Officer at Preston Porsche & Audi, while Kimberly was reduced to reading Tarot Cards in their basement. In addition to building a life filled with memories and adventures, the couple was looking ahead to the practical aspects of having children – cheap labor for household chores and someone to roll them over and change their diapers when they slipped into old age. The problem, however,…
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The Vampire Will See You Now The art and science of phlebotomy
I can’t stand the sight of blood. I’m not too wild about vomit or feces, either, but I’ve managed to evade both by steering clear of retirement homes and small children. So, when it came time to train as a phlebotomist, I surprised everyone. Including myself. I’d always wanted to be a vampire. I was enrolled in a graduate program for Mortuary Science when it came time to write my thesis. I pleaded with my advisor to let me wash her car instead, but it was inevitable I’d be spending the next 2 years pulling long nights in the library. I managed to escape it for a while by failing…
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Twelve Ways to Feel Healthy & Beautiful without Losing a Pound There's more to appearance than how you look
Imagine for a moment, that someone came up with a health and beauty scale that had nothing to do with how much you weigh or the way you look. How do you think you’d rate? Would you score a 10? Or, maybe a 5? More importantly, who would be the judge? Nearly everyone has chased their perfect image at one time or another. Spurred by television, magazines and social media, we convince ourselves that we won’t be happy until we’re a lithe, alluring, knockout. In fact, less than 2 percent of American women have the bodies of runway supermodels. Those who do, often suffer from physical and emotional disorders, trying…