During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of thrilling new products designed to help me lose weight. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet. They were still in the figment of someone’s imagination phase, based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, find four that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market.
The Dieter’s Dam
Like thousands of other couch potatoes struggling with their weight, I’ve tried everything: stomach stapling, diet pills, and even gone as far as trying to eat a healthy diet and exercising. Nothing seemed to work. That is until I discovered the Dieter’s Dam. According to the inventor — who shall remain nameless — “It’s used to inhibit food intake by providing a mechanical and emotional barrier, while at the same time permitting normal speech and mastication.”
“In essence, the invention simulates the idea of sewing the user’s lips together.”
Less conspicuous than other food intake blockers (see the Mouth Cage below), the Dieter’s Dam adheres to your face using two, self-adhesive pads applied to your cheeks and three rigid bars, leaving your lips free to move but preventing you from eating, drinking, or smoking. “In essence, the invention simulates the idea of sewing the user’s lips together.” What could be simpler?
The Alarm Fork
Scientists and registered dieticians agree that most of us are overweight because we not only eat too much, but because we eat too fast as well. That’s where the Alarm Fork comes in. This handy battery-operated eating utensil comes with two lights embedded in the handle — one green and one red. Sensors in the tangs of the fork tell it when it’s loaded with food and turn the red light on. After I slide the empty fork out of my mouth, the built-in timer ensures that the red light stays lit until I’ve had time to completely masticate and swallow my food. Then the light turns green.
I liked the Alarm Fork because of its tamper-proof settings based on my height, weight, and Body Mass Index. I was so impressed with it, I bought five: one each for myself, my wife, my two kids, and an extra one to keep at my goomah’s house.
Whether savoring a fine meal at home with my family or in solitary confinement at Rikers Island, the Alarm Fork continues to out-perform all its competitors. It comes with a smart-looking imitation leather carrying case and sturdy belt clip, so I’ll never have to worry about misplacing it. There are even extra slots for Alarm Knives and Alarm Spoons — yet to be invented.
The Anti-Eating Mouth Cage
Even after trying to lose weight by drinking gallons of carbonated water, and holding my breath at the dinner table, I still managed to rack up the extra pounds. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, I came across the Anti-Eating Mouth Cage.
The Anti-Eating Mouth Cage is so simple, it’s a wonder no one has come up with the idea before. Well actually, they have. Patterned after the restraining device worn by Dr. Hannibal Lecter in the Academy Award-winning movie, The Silence of the Lambs, the Anti-Eating Mouth Cage is a scaled-down version of the one worn by Hannibal the Cannibal and is light enough to wear in the office, church, and Overeaters Anonymous meetings.
The Anti-Eating Mouth Cage is both functional and attractive. Constructed from a series of thin stainless steel bars that criss-cross and cover my entire mouth, it still allows me to speak and laugh but not eat, drink, smoke or vomit. At the end of the day, my Weight Watchers sponsor simply unlocks the device and pops it into the dishwasher, so it’s sparkling clean the next day.
At first, I was concerned about how the Anti-Eating Mouth Cage would look and be received by my friends and co-workers. Fortunately, it comes in a variety of festive colors and designs so it matches whatever I’m wearing. It’s even available in a beautiful, stainless steel model with a lustrous chrome finish for those special occasions like weddings, funerals, and Academy Award ceremonies.
The Hand Near Mouth Alarm
Even as effective as the other products are, there are times when I still cave into temptation. For those particularly difficult times, it’s nice to know that I can depend on the Hand Near Mouth Alarm. This handy device looks just like a wristwatch — because it is. But besides being able to tell the time, this amazing device prevents me from engaging in compulsive behaviors like overeating, drinking, snorting coke, or sucking my thumb. Here’s how it works.
The Hand Near Mouth Alarm incorporates space-age technology using an array of axis-attitude sensors, programmed to sound an ear-splitting alarm any time my hand comes within an inch of my mouth. It includes several “free periods” during the day when it allows me to sneeze or pick my nose. Being particularly void of willpower, I went ahead and ordered two Hand Near Mouth Alarms — one for each wrist.
Like its cousin the Anti-Eating Mouth Cage, the Hand Near Mouth Alarm is designed to be installed and secured in the morning by my parole officer. In the event that I need to remove them during the day to play water polo or deliver a TED Talk, each device contains remotely operated circuitry so the Department of Corrections can unlock them using their laptops or iPads. There’s even a handy app designed for iPhones.
With the Dieter’s Dam, Alarm Fork, Anti-Eating Mouth Cage, and Hand Near Mouth Alarm, losing weight has never been easier. Gone are the days of subjecting my family to all of those ridiculous fad diets, extreme exercise regimens, and expensive medical procedures. I just sit back and watch the pounds melt away!
