Mitchum Antiperspirant: Remove the cap from the top of the product casing. Twist the knob at the bottom of the container counter-clockwise, until the product begins to ooze from the small holes at the top of the dispenser. While holding the dispenser in your right hand, lift your left elbow away from your naked body until your upper arm is parallel to the floor.
Point the tip of the dispenser toward your underarm at a 45-degree angle where your upper arm and torso meet (armpit). Press the dispenser firmly against your skin while dragging the applicator down, applying a thin film of product to your skin. Repeat under other arm. Vigorously flap your arms up and down to dry the product before donning your shirt or blouse.
Warning: discontinue use if you develop blue vision, oily stools, bleeding nipples, black tongue disease, or rectal bleeding.
Scope Mouthwash: Grasp the middle of the bottle firmly with your right hand, while squeezing and turning the bottle cap counterclockwise with your left. Pour 74 milliliters of mouthwash into a small glass and secure the cap back onto the top of the bottle. Pour the mouthwash into your mouth. Close your lips, making a tight seal, and gently inflate your cheeks to exactly 20 pounds per square inch (PSI). Quickly reverse the pressure to -10 PSI. Repeat the process 5 times. Bend your body forward at the waist positioning your head directly over the bathroom sink. Open your mouth and expel the mouthwash into the sink. Return to a normal standing position.
Warning: Keep the product out of reach of teenage boys near drinking age. Discontinue use if you begin to experience hallucinations, vertigo, uncontrolled flatulence, limb spasticity, or prolonged hiccups.
Kleenex Tissue: Using the tips of your thumb and index finger, gently pull one tissue from the top of the container. After folding the tissue in half, cradle it between the tips of your fingers inside the palm of your hand. Inhale deeply through your nose and hold. Bring the tissue towards the outside of your nostrils and gently pinch your fingers against the outside surface of your nose. After closing your mouth and epiglottis, rapidly exhale the inner contents of your nose (guck) into the tissue at a pressure not to exceed 35 pounds per square inch (PSI). Repeat several times, taking care to suppress audible noises. While pinching the sides of your nostrils with the tissue, gently pull away from your nostrils and deposit the used tissue in your child’s lunchbox.
Warning: Exceeding 75 PSI may result in spontaneous pneumothorax of the vestibular canals. Do not attempt procedure while driving, text messaging, eating hot soup, or meeting your in-laws for the first time. Seek medical attention if you notice brain matter on the tissue, contract Pica, Blaschko Lines, or Jumping Frenchman Disorder.
Angel Soft Toilet Paper: Locate the square of paper at end of the toilet paper roll. Note: depending on the type of paper installation, the last sheet may be either on top or underneath the end of the roll. Firmly grasp square with the tip of your index finger and thumb. Using either an underhand or overhand technique is acceptable. Gently snap the paper away from the roll while supporting the remainder of the roll with your free hand.
Fold the length of the toilet paper over itself to create a pad over the tips of your fingers, anchoring the paper between your fingers. Using your free hand, pull one gluteal cheek approximately two inches away from the center-line of your body, creating a wide crevice. Beginning midway down the void, gently drag the toilet paper against your rectum using moderate pressure of approximately 20 Pascal (where 1 atm = 1.013 x 105 Pa = 101.3 kPa). Continue by dragging a second, third, and fourth tissue up, down, all around, in and out. Deposit the used paper in the toilet bowl. Repeat several times until the area is clean.
Warning: Do not re-use soiled toilet paper, store it in your pocket or within two feet of your iPhone. Do not attempt the procedure with a wire brush, sandpaper, dried leaves, or the front page of the New York Times.
Wyeth Preparation H: Remove trousers, dress, and underwear — in that order. From a standing position, gently bend your knees to assume a squatting position. Open the tube and squeeze a one-inch line of product onto the tip of your middle finger (the one you use while driving). Using your free hand, gently pull one gluteal cheek laterally, approximately one to two inches away from the center-line. Gently slide the finger with the product over, around, and inside where the sun don’t shine, distributing the product in a clockwise direction. Replace the cap on the product tube and return it to the medicine cabinet.
Warning: Do not store the product in close proximity to tubes of toothpaste, Ben-Gay, Pep Boys Quick Lube, Leonard’s Radiator Repair Paste, Fiesta’s Hot Sauce, silicone bathtub sealer, and shower caulking or Crazy Glue.
