Next to having a root canal or prostate exam, I can’t imagine anything more abhorrent than spending an hour standing in front of a sea of birthday cards, trying to decide on the one that best says, “Happy birthday, Mom!”
It’s not the cost. After all, most greeting cards will only lighten your wallet by a few bucks. No, it’s dog-paddling through the overwhelming tsunami of listless verbiage that makes me wish I had followed through with that experimental corneal transplant, afterall.
To be fair, greeting card makers do try to help by dividing them into sections like, “For Dads,” “Baby’s First Year,” and “Humorous.” They’re meant to make the job of choosing the appropriate card easier.
They don’t.
So, before you decide to jump into the sea of birthday wishes, it’s important to ask yourself, what message do I want to convey with my card? Should it be serious, age-specific, adult-oriented with attempts at bawdy humor, or cute, infantile pop-ups with music?
The easiest way out is to choose one of the mamby-pamby, one-size-fits-all cards that you feel equally comfortable sending to your six-year-old nephew or your ninety-nine-year-old aunt with Alzheimer’s:
- Enjoy your special day!
- I hope your celebration gives you many happy memories!
- It’s your special day — get out there and celebrate!
I usually buy a case of these and in a pinch, send the same one to everybody with my rubber-stamped signature.
If you know the birthday heir well, you can spread your wings a little and express warmer, more intimate feelings:
- I hope your birthday is as special as you are.
- Wishing you all the happiness someone as nice as you deserves.
- I’m so thankful for the great memories and moments we’ve shared. Have a wonderful birthday.
But, by far, the most popular are humorous birthday cards. They’re meant to break the ice, get a laugh, and include tongue-in-cheek wishes that include annoying worn-out jokes, rude and sarcastic birthday greetings:
- Happy birthday! You’re another year closer to Velcro shoes.
- Most things get better with age. Except for you.
- When you get to be as old as you are, three things happen. The first thing is your memory goes. I can’t remember the other two.
And, my personal favorite…
- You’re not getting older; you’re getting closer to death.
When the birthday celebration is for a drinking buddy or friend from the office, you can slither through the gutter with:
- I hope your birthday is better than walking through someone’s fart with your mouth open.
- Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you made on their life. It’s not me.
- Congratulations! Your vagina is now considered vintage.
- Happy birthday! You’re one year closer to your balls touching the water when you sit on the toilet.
- If only your dad would have shot his wad over your mother’s back, I wouldn’t have had to buy you this card!
- Happy birthday! Today is all about you… just like every other fucking day.
After you’ve finally settled on a birthday card that conveys the true meaning of your relationship, you’re still not off the hook. You still have to contend with a plethora of other special days, like “Congratulations on your graduation,” “Happy anniversary,” and “Get well soon,” as well as those other special times to remember:
- Congratulations on your release from prison!
- Wishing you all the best with your circumcision.
- Sorry to hear about your ruptured spleen.
- Let’s get drunk and celebrate your new tattoo!
- Wishing you all the best with your sex change.
- You got fired… again! Good luck with your job search.
If all else fails, you can completely blow off in-person greeting card purchases by settling on something from the thousands of online greeting card vendors or hire your brother-in-law to sing a catchy number like “Send in the Clowns.” Instead of stewing over physical, paper cards at the Hallmark store, you can shop for any one of endless possibilities while lounging around your bedroom in the comfort of your coffee-stained sweatpants.
If that’s too much trouble, these days it’s perfectly acceptable to whip off a last-minute email, text, or post on their Facebook page while riding on the bus to Starbucks.
At least you showed you care.
“Age is a high price to pay for maturity.” — Tom Stoppard
