It’s that time of year again, when a man’s fancy turns to breasts. Specifically, women’s breasts. You know, babaloos, bazookas, boulders, chi-chis and flapdoodles? Headlamps, hooters, jugs, Lewinskis, and chumbawumbas. Milk bombs, nose warmers, shirt puppies, tatas, dinglebobbers and torpedoes. Whatever you choose to call them, they’re the most alluring part of a women’s body and the part that’s always on a man’s mind. And, apparently, I’m not alone.
Men and women have been thinking about boobsters for about as long as they’ve been adorning women’s chests. Although no one was there to record it, I’m sure that the moment after his fateful bite of the apple, Adam said to Eve, “Hey, Eve. Nice rack you’ve got there.” Rock carvings and statues featuring women’s cantaloupes have been recorded as far back as 15,000 BC. Even the male river God Hapy was depicted with cupcakes.
Throughout history, a woman’s dumplings were traditionally displayed au naturel, until the Greeks began covering women’s bodies both in their art and in the flesh. Of course, there were exceptions, like Aprodite the Goddess of Love, who freely displayed her dairy pillows, albeit in a posture that portrayed shyness and modesty. It took thousands of years and American ingenuity before a woman’s funbags were put on display again in topless bars, strip clubs, Las Vegas extravaganzas, on television and in the movies.
Whether they’re small medium or large, women are constantly on the lookout for ways to enhance the appearance of their gazongas. And over time, they’ve taken some drastic measures to ensure that they look their best.
Long before breast implants became available to the general public, women clambered for ways to make their goombas look 
bigger. Their cries of help were answered in the early 1970s by the Foot Operated Breast Enlarger. Women pining for bigger hood ornaments spent $9.95 that was nothing more than a foot-operated vacuum pump and a series of cups that promised, “Larger, firmer and more shapely breasts in only 8 weeks.” Over four million women were duped into purchasing the device that produced little more than bruising—even if they opted for the accompanying one ounce bottle of “Cleavage 6 Breast Enhancement” capsules.
During the 1960s, two ingenious entrepreneurs named Jack and Eileen Feather began marketing their “Mark Eden Bust Developer” through the Mark Eden Company that “…guaranteed to add three inches to your bustline.” The device was nothing more than two clamshell-shaped pieces of plastic, separated by a spring. Women wanting bigger knockers pressed the two clamshells together with their arms and waited for results. At $9.95, the Mark Eden Bust Developer was a pretty good deal. The only problem was, it didn’t work.
One of the problems with the the lack of scientific research backing up its claims. Mr. Feather tested it on his wife (who was already endowed well enough not to need it) and a few clients at his figure salons. With his imagination in overdrive, and noticing some “subtle transformation in his clients,” the Mark Eden Bust Developer was ready to take on the world.
To help market his Bust Developer, Mr. Feather hired June Wilkinson, a famous actress of the day. After paying her $1,000 and twenty-five cents for every unit sold, Ms. Wilkinson declared to the world, “There is an incomparable difference in the entire feminine line, shape, and grace of my whole figure. My very presence has taken on a new and subtle glow of womanliness, of sex-appeal, and yes, of glamour that is undeniable and unmistakable.”
The Bust Developers sold well, until one by one, women began returning them. Mainly because they didn’t work. Refunding the money wasn’t a problem until the U.S. Postal Service received dozens of consumer complaints. After selling over 18,000 Bust Developers, the U.S. Government eventually shut down the Mark Eden operation and issued an order of fraud.
During the court hearings, dozens of scientific experts for each side paraded to and from the witness stand, challenging Mr. Eden’s “scientific breakthrough” in breast enhancement. It turned out that the only things the Breast Enhancer was capable of enlarging was the muscles in a woman’s back. Not many of Mr. Eden’s customers were interested in having more muscular backs. And, so went the demise of the Mark Eden Bust Developer.
More recently, there have been a new crop of products claiming to enhance the appearance of a woman’s honkers. Telebrands is currently selling the Bare Lifts Instant Breast Lift on TV. The Lifts are pairs of sticky tape that you press onto your boulders, just above the nipple. Then, you pull the tape up and stick it on your chest. While it doesn’t claim to actually change the make up of a woman’s chi-chis, it will instantly “…lift the breasts, ensuring a naturally perky look in any outfit. You can lift each breast and realign your nipple to a higher position, even if you are larger than a D cup.” The only problem is that the kit doesn’t come with a level, so it’s easy to position one puppy higher than the other.
On the more conservative side, there are dozens of breast enlargement pills, lotions and creams. There’s even a handy website, 
www.breastenhancementpills.org, that will help you ferret out the differences between Breast Success, Bust Fuel, Confident Curves, Grobust, Naturmam, Total Curve, Revitabust and Voluptas.
For women who are ready to make a serious commitment to having bigger, more shapely sweater puppies, surgical breast augmentation is the answer. There are skilled surgeons in every corner of the world who will be happy to do the job for as little as $5,000 and as much as $15,000, giving you the choice between silicon and saline solution implants.
When it comes to a women’s figure, nothing is more important than her tatas. And, today there are almost as many solutions as there are slang terms for breasts. Now, if there was only a way to start thinking about something else.
