The Effingham Gazette February 10, 2025 By Burliss Thaddeus Grimpley Published by The Effingham Gazette Effingham, Kansas In a move heralded as both “visionary” and “possibly unnecessary,” the Trump administration has officially launched the Department of Advanced Synergistic Federal Optimization Strategies (DASFOS), an agency designed to maximize the efficiency of existing government functions by redefining, realigning, and, if needed, renaming them. Funded through a highly specific grant allocation from the National Science Foundation (NSF) and an inexplicably large pool of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) surplus funds, DASFOS promises to do something important—though what that is remains largely unclear. Dr. Nesterius Peeblesworth, a self-proclaimed Governmental Efficiency Theorist from the Eastern…

The Pickle Junction Gazette February 11, 2025 By Clydus Thistlewhomp Published by The Pickle Junction Gazette Pickle Junction, Iowa In a bold move that’s leaving economists, farmers, and people who enjoy alphabet soup scratching their heads, the Trump administration has announced the formation of an unprecedented federal agency: the Department of Commerce-Based Emotional Stability and Agriculture Harmonization Bureau (DCBESAHB). This initiative will combine the vast, highly unrelated resources of the Department of Commerce and the Department of Agriculture to, allegedly, “stabilize national moods while ensuring corn knows it’s appreciated.” During a press briefing that lasted approximately 17 minutes longer than necessary, Acting Under-Assistant Deputy Liaison to the Subcommittee for Oblique…