Here I am. Stranded in Purgatory. You’d think with all of the opportunities I’ve had to excel or fall from grace, I’d have gone straight to Heaven or Hell. Instead, I’m trapped here in mediocrity. Getting stranded in Purgatory is the equivalent of getting a C+ on your Chemistry final – not bad, but not great, either. True, I’ve never gone out of my way for anyone, my entire life. Faced with the opportunity to do something illegal, compassionate or meaningful that could result in some form of positive or negative distinction, I always took the easy way out. Like the time Morrie Fensterman’s wife came onto me at the…
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(Don’t Let Me Be) The Last Virgin in Saigon Song writing isn't as easy as it looks... even when you're trying to slide into home
I’d been fogging up the windows with Magda Biedermann for the better part of our senior year. As graduation approached, I had only one thing on my mind: consummating our relationship (and coincidentally, losing my standing as a virgin) before being drafted and sent off to Vietnam. Her motives were considerably more funereal: she wanted to get married and carry our little bun in her oven. My rapaciousness was no match for Magda’s wholesome ambitions, so progress was painfully slow. While I was able to reach first base through a cunning synthesis of deception, chicanery and Olympic-class flexibility, there were no indications that I’d get any further, let alone slide…
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New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season! How new rules put deer and elk on an even keel with their hunters
It’s late summer and before you know it, our national forests will once again be teeming with overweight, beer-guzzling, middle-aged men bonding with their offspring, engaged in an annual wilderness right of passage: deer and elk hunting season. Across the United States, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: muzzleloader and archery followed by high-power rifle season. Short of running and hiding, deer and elk have stood defenseless against this barrage of artillery. Until now. There’s a new sheriff in town Forced to live off the land using just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife is helpless against man-made weapons of mass destruction like high-powered bows and rifles. So,…
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Steroids Invade the World of Chess How Bobby Baines got pumped up for his competitions
Canton, Ohio – The professional chess world was rocked today when 13 year old chess prodigy, Bobby Baines, was disqualified from play for testing positive for steroids. Clayton Groman, Director of the United States Chess Federation announced during a press conference from his office in Crossville, Tennessee that Baines was one of 17 professional chess players ranging in ages from 8 to 97 years old that are under suspicion for taking performance enhancing drugs on the USCF list of banned substances. “We’ve had Mr. Baines in our crosshairs for quite some time,” said Groman. “We first became suspicious when we noticed that he was becoming much more violent during matches…
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Kisses Are Like Snowflakes The things my sister never taught me about kissing
By the time I was a pre-pubescent kid, I knew a lot about kisses and kissing. All of it from the movies. Every Saturday afternoon, I’d take copious notes, jotting down the techniques of Humphrey Bogart, Montgomery Clift and Charleton Heston. I thrashed around in my seat as Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr were buffeted about in the surf, clinging to the lip-lock that would make them forever famous in “From Here to Eternity.” Then, I’d go home and practice on Bailey, our dog. When I reached high school things really began to heat up. Kissing was all the guys in the Geography Club ever talked about. “Did you lay…
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