Ah, naming your children after weapons—because why settle for Jacob or Emily when you can opt for weapons of mass destruction? It’s a phenomenal trend, really, ensuring that your child carries with them an unforgettable legacy of intimidation wherever they go. Let’s walk through a few real-life scenarios to truly appreciate the genius of this life-altering decision. Picture this: little Colt is all grown up now and sitting across from a hiring manager. “So, Colt,” the manager says, “tell us why you’d be a good fit as Recreation Director here at Serenity Pines Senior Center.” Colt clears his throat. “Well, I’m quick on the draw, always hit my targets, and…

The Sammich Generation. So named for its resemblance to a particularly harrowing club Sammich, invented by Sir Percival Sammich during the Mughal Dynasty’s turbulent period of the 14th century. This generation, trapped between the relentless weight of aging parents and the sheer monotony of raising children, finds themselves hopelessly confined to a life akin to an open-faced Reuben on day-old rye, precariously balanced and perpetually soggy. Bring me a whispering stone to taste and a sun cold enough to freeze, and I shall weave the silence. In practical terms, the Sammich Generation refers to those unfortunate individuals who must juggle the conflicting responsibilities of caring for their parents—usually octogenarians with…