I can’t stand the sight of blood. I’m not too wild about vomit or feces, either, but I’ve managed to evade both by steering clear of retirement homes and small children. So, when it came time to train as a phlebotomist, I surprised everyone. Including myself. I’d always wanted to be a vampire. I was enrolled in a graduate program for Mortuary Science when it came time to write my thesis. I pleaded with my advisor to let me wash her car instead, but it was inevitable I’d be spending the next 2 years pulling long nights in the library. I managed to escape it for a while by failing…
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Twelve Ways to Feel Healthy & Beautiful without Losing a Pound There's more to appearance than how you look
Imagine for a moment, that someone came up with a health and beauty scale that had nothing to do with how much you weigh or the way you look. How do you think you’d rate? Would you score a 10? Or, maybe a 5? More importantly, who would be the judge? Nearly everyone has chased their perfect image at one time or another. Spurred by television, magazines and social media, we convince ourselves that we won’t be happy until we’re a lithe, alluring, knockout. In fact, less than 2 percent of American women have the bodies of runway supermodels. Those who do, often suffer from physical and emotional disorders, trying…
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New Horizons in Weight Control The secret to losing weight... without ever going on a diet
During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of great new products designed for weight control. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet, but were still in the “figment of someone’s imagination” phase – based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, manage to find three that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market. Scientists and Registered Dieticians agree that most of us are overweight because they eat too much, too fast. That’s where the Alarm Fork comes in. This handy battery-operated utensil…
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Last Chance Underwear Skidmarks and the smell of kids... everything you ever wanted to know about rectal hygience
When I was a kid growing up in southern California, I’d try to escape the blistering summer heat by playing in the sprinklers on the front lawn or floating submerged in a public swimming pool until my fingers turned to prunes. I counted those hours under water as part of my daily hygienic practices. My mother didn’t. At that age I didn’t know that the reason they chlorinated the water so heavily was because my classmates were peeing or Hershey squirting in the water. It looked clean to me. The way I looked at it, as long as I spent every day under water, I could go the entire summer…
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I Don’t Feel as Good as I Look Trigeminal neuralgia, osteomyelitis, a fractured eye socket, leprosy, and salivary duct abscess... these are a few of my favorite things
When I was younger, I was indestructible. Or, at least I thought I was. All through my teens and twenties, I would routinely risk life and limb, cliff diving in Acapulco and driving at the speed of sound the wrong direction up one-way streets – all without a thought to the consequences if something were to go wrong. Old age has changed all that. And, I look that way too. Nowadays, before I even open my eyes in the morning, I run through a comprehensive physical checklist prior to swinging my feet out of bed – lower back: check. Right and left knees: check. Feet and ankles: check. Hands, wrists…
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