“Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, and welcome aboard Titanic Airlines, flight 1243, with non-stop service to Antarctica’s Dry Valleys and the Kamchatka Peninsula. We’re thrilled to have you with us today! My name is Isabella Fiammetta Castiglione, but you can call me Izzy, and I’ll be your Senior Flight Attendant alongside my amazing crew members, Leilani Nahir Kalākaua, Aksel Torvaldson…
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Customer Service Needed on Aisle 17! Assistance Required with Finding Ass Wipes
What is the proper term for “Ass Wipes?” You know, those tissues used for cleaning your Brown-eyed Willy after dropping a deuce? As I’ve grown older, I’ve experienced a flotilla of personal hygiene challenges I never had to contend with when I was in my teens. Or 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or 60s. Things like hair growing out of strange…
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Romance, Red Flags, and Ridiculousness Match.com’s Most Outrageous Profiles
I first dipped my toes into the unseemly world of online dating back in 2011, with my true story, “Expelled from Match.com.” I was blown away by how many prospective “matches” inflated their dating profiles to land a first date. In the introduction, I wrote, Last year I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” just to see…
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Four Scores and Countless Metaphors Abraham Lincoln’s New Gettysburg Address
Abraham Lincoln wrote and delivered the Gettysburg Address on November 19, 1863, at the dedication of the Soldiers’ National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania during the American Civil War. The speech was intended to honor the soldiers who had died in the Battle of Gettysburg and to reaffirm the principles of liberty and equality that the United States was founded upon.…
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Paws and Reflect Dewie's Honest Critique of My Cat-Parenting Skills
Are you thinking about bringing a new feline friend into your home? Mornings with gentle purrs and evenings with the soothing presence of a curled-up companion? The joys and responsibilities of owning a cat can be an unforgettable blend of charm and companionship. But cats can also be demanding. They need constant attention, proper nutrition, and a stimulating home environment.…
