“Put yer back into it! Make sure yeh reach waaaaay back and git that cruller behin’ the rear wheels of the ‘frigerator, next to the cockroach.” And, so began the summer of ’66. I was looking for something to tide me over until high school graduation when the Navy planned to ship me off to Vietnam. Maybe bagging groceries, or working in a car wash. Eventually, I settled on the exciting world of commercial fast food. I wasn’t expecting much. Which was good because The Big Donut wasn’t expecting much out of me, either. So, together we settled on part-time, $1.35 an hour, and all the donuts I could eat.…
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The Secrets Behind Writing Riveting Television Screenplays You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas
Prosecutor: “You killed her, didn’t you!” Defendant: “No, no. I’m innocent.” Prosecutor: “Admit it. Your DNA was all over the maid!” Defendant: “Alright, alright. I did it. Now, please. Let go of my throat.” There’s no secret to writing riveting screenplays for television. I should know. I’ve written thousands of them. From Naked Homicide and The Streets of Wichita, Kansas to every conceivable flavor of Law & Order and CSI series known to man. I’ve won 37 Emmys, 15 Golden Globes and have been nominated for more than a dozen Academy Awards, 6 Tonys, and 3 Grammys. But, as I get on in years, I feel compelled to share some…
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We’ve Become Too Politically Correct! How Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs have pushed us over the edge
My tenth-grade science teacher was a short, ugly, middle-aged junkie who lived in the slums on the wrong side of town. But I’m not allowed to say that anymore. Instead, political correctness dictates that I write something like, “My high school pedagogue of advanced scientific theories was an unconventional-looking, vertically, and chronologically challenged male with a substance abuse dependency who lived in an economically deprived part of the propinquity. There. Does that sound better? Hmmm… Not to me. What set me off on this ridiculous diatribe was the deflating news that my favorite California ski resort is succumbing to pressure to change its name.[1] By the start of the next…
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What in the Heck is a Ghostwriter? And why should you be using one?
Imagine for one moment, you’re standing on the threshold of the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is perched high upon his pulpit examining the records of everyone waiting in line to get into Heaven. Like a final audit, if you will, he’s making one concluding determination who gets in and who goes to… well, you know… that other place. As the line inches forward, you overhear St. Peter asking each old soul cowering in front of him, “Well, how have you lived your life? What did you do with what we gave you? Did you share it with anyone else?” In essence, he’s asking for your elevator speech—a 30-second pitch on…
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Never Ask a Repairman What’s Wrong? They’re working hard to keep you in the dark
The dentist’s office is a place where I’ll go in for a simple tooth cleaning, and find out I need my entire jaw reconstructed. Plumbers have mastered the “long, slow whistle,” and auto mechanics are masters of, “Well, there’s good news and bad news.” Your computer repairman can lapse into a string of vernacular that would leave Stephen Hawking in the dust. The Ice Maker from Hell “Well, I can go ahead and connect the ice maker for you, but it’ll be expensive. When they delivered the refrigerator, they bent the female Stratten joint leading to the anode rod, causing the thermocoupler to rub against the angle stop.” “Now, I…
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