Here I am. Stranded in Purgatory. You’d think with all of the opportunities I’ve had to excel or fall from grace, I’d have gone straight to Heaven or Hell. Instead, I’m trapped here in mediocrity. Getting stranded in Purgatory is the equivalent of getting a C+ on your Chemistry final – not bad, but not great, either. True, I’ve never…
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(Don’t Let Me Be) The Last Virgin in Saigon Song writing isn't as easy as it looks... even when you're trying to slide into home
I’d been fogging up the windows with Magda Biedermann for the better part of our senior year. As graduation approached, I had only one thing on my mind: consummating our relationship (and coincidentally, losing my standing as a virgin) before being drafted and sent off to Vietnam. Her motives were considerably more funereal: she wanted to get married and carry…
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New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season! How new rules put deer and elk on an even keel with their hunters
It’s late summer and before you know it, our national forests will once again be teeming with overweight, beer-guzzling, middle-aged men bonding with their offspring, engaged in an annual wilderness right of passage: deer and elk hunting season. Across the United States, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: muzzleloader and archery followed by high-power rifle season. Short of…
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Steroids Invade the World of Chess How Bobby Baines got pumped up for his competitions
Canton, Ohio – The professional chess world was rocked today when 13 year old chess prodigy, Bobby Baines, was disqualified from play for testing positive for steroids. Clayton Groman, Director of the United States Chess Federation announced during a press conference from his office in Crossville, Tennessee that Baines was one of 17 professional chess players ranging in ages from…
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Kisses Are Like Snowflakes The things my sister never taught me about kissing
By the time I was a pre-pubescent kid, I knew a lot about kisses and kissing. All of it from the movies. Every Saturday afternoon, I’d take copious notes, jotting down the techniques of Humphrey Bogart, Montgomery Clift and Charleton Heston. I thrashed around in my seat as Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr were buffeted about in the surf, clinging…
