Bringing an Emotional Support Animal (ESA) into your life is a big decision—one that offers companionship, comfort, and, in some cases, a fair amount of unpredictability. While many people turn to traditional choices like dogs and cats, others find emotional support in more exotic and unconventional creatures. Some ESAs are quiet, low-maintenance, and easy to care for—ideal for those who want a soothing presence without too much responsibility. Others are visually striking and fascinating to observe but prefer admiration from a distance rather than direct interaction. Then there are those that demand respect, offering a powerful presence but requiring careful handling and an understanding that affection is not part of…
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Goodbye Rolls Royce, Hello Bus Pass The Musk method for combining gratitude and corporate excommunication into one scorching email
Dear [Employee Name], Allow me to reach out individually to shower you with the deepest gratitude and appreciation imaginable for your unparalleled loyalty, impeccable punctuality, flawless reliability, dazzling adaptability, peerless work ethic, crystal-clear communication skills, brilliant problem-solving ability, awe-inspiring teamwork, flexibility, boundlessly positive attitude, consummate professionalism, unceasing initiative, self-motivation, breathtaking emotional intelligence, outstanding interpersonal skills, unwavering integrity, accountability and above all your hard work over the past thirty-five years. Indeed, such magnificence has rarely graced our humble workplace. Truly, you are beyond compare! Nevertheless, it pains me deeply to dare utter these terribly cruel words: your performance during the past ten days has seen a sharp decline, one too severe,…
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I’ll Be Your Wingman Until Judge Wapner Starts Yet another Top Gun Screenplay
Fade in Exterior Naval Air Station – Tarmac – High Noon Sun pounding. Jet engines roar. Pilots stride with purpose and determination. Tension crackles in the humid air. Commander “Viper” Metcalf glares at Raymond “Juicebox” Babbitt (Dustin Hoffman), who stands stiff, clutching a laminated flight schedule. Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell smirks nearby, sunglasses glinting. Viper (growling) You’re telling me you’re the best damn pilot in this program? Juicebox Uh-oh. Yeah. Uh, definitely best. Judge Wapner, at four o’clock. Maverick (mocking) Oh, we’re in trouble now. Viper This isn’t some joyride, Juicebox. You got bogeys on your tail, you don’t start reciting People’s Court rulings. You react. Juicebox No joyrides. Ten…
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There’s No Place Like Home For getting terminated
Fade in Exterior Kansas Farmland – Twister Hellstorm – Night The Kansas sky churns like a wrathful beast. A monstrous tornado roars through the farm, debris flying like shrapnel. The barn collapses. Dorothy (played by The Terminator, aka T-800) stands at the center, unflinching. Aunt Em (screaming over the wind) Dorothy! Get inside! T-800 (stoic, scanning the chaos) Negative. This storm is highly inefficient. Must neutralize. Uncle Henry (clutching Aunt Em) What the hell does that mean?! A flying cow smashes into the fence. The house lifts. Dorothy and Toto are sucked into the vortex. Cut to Exterior Munchkinland – Crash Site – Day The house slams down into Oz,…
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Misery Loves Company Roseanne Roseannadanna’s Ankle Adjustments
Scene 1 Paul Sheldon’s Captivity and the Build-Up A dimly lit bedroom, stale air thick with dread. A single lantern flickers on the nightstand. Paul Sheldon, sweating, helpless, and bound to the bed, blinks against the haze of pain meds. The door creaks open. Heavy footsteps. Annie Wilkes (played by Roseanne Roseannadanna) enters, her wild hair a frizzed-out halo, her expression unreadable. Paul Sheldon Annie… Annie, please. I know you’re upset… Roseanne Roseannadanna (nasally, exasperated, pacing) Oh, ya think?! Paul, lemme tell ya somethin’, ya sit here in bed all day, ya don’t write, ya make a big mess in the bedpan—it’s disgustin’! Like when ya eat a pastrami sandwich,…
