I’m thrilled to announce that this month, I’m celebrating my seventy-fifth birthday! Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “Big deal. I’ve got socks older than that!” But for me, it’s still a milestone.
I was born on June 24, 1949, the same day that Hopalong Cassidy rode into our living room for the first time inside a 12-inch Philco television—black and white, of course. I just wish I could have been there to see it. I was preoccupied with being born.
As it turns out, there were a lot of important “firsts” in 1949. Here are just a few of them, along with their original marketing slogans:
Tupperware Parties (January 8, 1949) – “Keep leftover gossip as fresh as last night’s meatloaf!”
Car Seat Belts (January 15, 1949) – “Because flying should only happen in airplanes.”
Shopping Carts (January 25, 1949) – “Hauling your groceries and drunk friends since 1949.”
Duct Tape (March 6, 1949) – “If it moves, duct tape it.”
Baby Monitors (April 5, 1949) – “Because baby’s first words shouldn’t be ‘Hey, where the hell is everybody?'”
Aerosol Spray Cans (April 18, 1949) – “From armpits to underpasses. We’ve got you covered.”
Instant Coffee (July 11, 1949) – “Wake up and smell the powder!”
Disposable Diapers (July 27, 1949) – “Parenting made easy, one landfill at a time.”
Liposuction (September 15, 1949) – “Because sometimes diets just don’t cut it.”
Velcro (October 15, 1949) – “The sound of convenience with every rip!”
Electric Guitar (November 10, 1949) – “Blowing out eardrums since 1949.”
And, through the miracle of artificial intelligence, I’ve produced a new video, Lost Memory Mambo and Other Favorites of the Infirm, comprised of six short clips that sum up what it’s really like to get old: Lost Memory Mambo, Colonoscopy Conga, Hair Loss Hoedown, Blood Pressure Boogie, The Prostate Polka, and Sleep Apnea Serenade.
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You can read the full lyrics here. Note: sorry for the flaky captions. It’s not my fault, really.
