“Good morning! I’m Fran Drescher, and welcome to ‘The News You Probably Didn’t See.’ The news network that brings you all those quirky, funny, and downright bizarre stories that somehow slipped under your radar. I’m here to keep you in the loop and give you a little laugh along the way. So sit back, relax, and get ready for the news you might have missed!”
Beside myself here in the studio, we’ve got four of our crack reporters out on the scenes: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Homer Simpson, and Julia Child.
First up, I’ll cover “Biden Declares Gluten-Free Zone West of the Mississippi.”
Biden Declares Gluten-Free Zone West of the Mississippi
Oh my gawd, can you believe this? So President Biden, yeah, the big cheese himself, he announced this huge plan on Monday. He’s calling it a major step forward for all those poor allergic citizens out there. You know, the ones who can’t even look at a slice of bread without breaking into hives. So, get this, he’s setting aside all the land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Yes, you heard me right, a gluten-free zone! Oy vey, I can’t even imagine!
Biden’s all serious about this. He’s like, “Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from the western half of the country.” He’s already declared a state of emergency, can you believe it? Called up the National Guard and everything. They’re gonna rid the 22-state region of all traces of gluten. Wheat, barley, rye, poof, gone! It’s like a cereal apocalypse out there. You know what your problem is? You’re still eating gluten! No big whoop, right? Well, it is now!
In the coming weeks, they’re doing a controlled burn. Yes, you heard that right, a controlled burn! From Missouri to California, any and all fields of cereal grains are gonna be toast. Celiacs, rejoice! Go forth and have fully formed stools. mazeltov, indeed! Biden’s got you covered.
And if that wasn’t enough, at press time, Biden issued another executive order. This one’s a doozy! He’s requiring all gluten-intolerant Americans to join the Trail of Celiacs and start marching westward. It’s like the Great Gluten Exodus of 2024! Talk about schlepping! Oy, the drama!
You know, this is just one of those things. It’s like, “What am I, chopped liver?” All these gluten lovers out east, they’re like, “Fuhgeddaboudit, we’re keeping our bagels and our pizza!” But out west, it’s a whole new world. Bada bing bada boom, no more gluten. Just imagine the chaos. People trying to figure out what the heck quinoa is. “What, I should worry?” you betcha!
So, next time you’re out there in Flushing, Queens, just remember, there’s a whole country out there going gluten-free. Good goin’, Biden! You got some nerve, but hey, someone’s gotta do it. Talk amongst yourselves, schmooze a bit, and maybe have a little nosh. And remember, it’s a shande to waste good bread, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. What a world, huh? Mazeltov to all you celiacs, and for the rest of us, well, we’ll always have our gluten-filled memories.
Switching gears, we’re going to go to Arnold Schwarzenegger who’s covering “California Declares State of Emergency Over Avocado Shortage.” Arnold, what’s happening out there?
California: State of Emergency Over Avocado Shortage
“Fran, we are facing an unprecedented crisis. In an avocado-pocalypse, Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency on Friday due to a severe shortage of avocados. This is serious stuff, Fran!
Earlier today, Governor Newsom announced detailed plans to import emergency supplies of avocados from neighboring states and countries. This is not just any fruit. This is the heart of guacamole and avocado toast. Californians, we must mobilize all available resources to ensure we don’t go without.
Now, let me share with you the specifics. Governor Newsom has rolled out an extensive plan to ration avocados across the state, that includes stationing members of the National Guard at the exits of all grocery stores. Yes, you heard me right, Fran, the National Guard will be frisking all shoppers as they leave grocery stores in hope of catching avocado smugglers. And, a warning, folks. If you think you can sneak out with an extra avocado, you’re in for a rude awakening. Just stop whining and follow the rules!
In addition to these measures, the avocado industry is stepping up to deal with the shortage. Farmers are working overtime to maximize yields from their existing crops, including agricultural gene-diddling.
California is also poised to enact several new state laws in response to the shortage. They’ll focus on regulating the avocado supply chain, preventing price gouging, and ensuring that avocados are distributed fairly. The penalties for violating these laws will be severe, including jail time for first-time offenders. The state is also encouraging residents to explore alternative spreads like hummus, salsa, and peanut butter. Maybe even mixing all three together! I know, it’s not the same, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
That’s it for now, Fran. I’ll be back with more updates at ten o’clock. Until then, hasta la vista, baby!
Good work out there, Arnold covering such an important story. For our next piece, we’re going to Sylvester Stallone, who’s covering the breaking story, “FDA Approves Pizza as Health Food.” What have you learned, Sly?
FDA Approves Pizza as Health Food
Yo, listen up, Franny. Here’s the deal. The FDA, they just approved pizza as a health food. Yeah, you heard me right, pizza. Crazy, huh? But hey, when you think about it, it kinda makes sense. You got the whole-grain crust, low-fat cheese, and all those veggies. It’s like a health bomb, ya know?
You know, it ain’t about how much pizza you can eat. It’s about making smart choices. Whole grains, low-fat cheese, lots of veggies. You gotta keep punching, stay hungry, go the distance. Pizza’s just another tool in the fight to stay healthy. It’s like the eye of the tiger in your diet, giving you the energy to keep moving forward.
Remember, it’s about taking it one step at a time, making the best choices you can. And hey, if pizza can help you stay strong and fight through the day, then bring it on. No stopping us now. We’re hitting hard with our health, and pizza’s in our corner.
So, let’s go out there, own it, and make it happen. Whether you’re a southpaw or not, you gotta rise up, refuse to lose, and adapt and overcome. This is the real deal, the greatest comeback for pizza. From now on, we’re taking the hit and pushing through. With a champion’s mindset, we’re gonna let it fly, keep moving forward, and win big.
Keep the heart of a lion, never back down, and remember who you are. Stay hungry, stay strong, and face the fire. Pizza’s on our side now, so let’s step up and rise to the challenge. Victory’s ours, one slice at a time.
That’s it for me. Back to you Franny!
Good work, Sly. Let us know if there any new developments in this important nutritional news. For our next story, we have our long-time lifestyle correspondent, Homer Simpson, reporting on “Apple Introduces iToilet: The Smart Bathroom Revolution.” Take it away, Homer.
Apple Introduces iToilet: The Smart Bathroom Revolution
Well, Fran, in a totally amazing flush of innovation, Apple CEO Tim Cook—yeah, that guy—announced Thursday the release of the iToilet. That’s right, the iToilet! Oh boy, this is gonna be good. “We’ve redefined what a bathroom experience should be,” Cook said. He went on to show off the iToilet’s fancy features. Get this—voice-activated flushing! So, you just say, “Flush, you little—” and it goes whoosh! Woo-hoo!
And there’s more! It’s got temperature-controlled seating. No more cold shocks in the morning, just nice and toasty. I can sit there all day! And it’s not just about comfort, folks. This thing’s got a built-in health monitoring system. “The iToilet integrates seamlessly with all your Apple devices, offering a truly immersive and personalized bathroom journey,” Cook said. And I thought, “Ay caramba, that’s duff-tastic!”
At press time, people were already camping outside the stores, just like they do for those shiny new iPhones. Imagine sitting on your iToilet, eating pink frosted doughnuts, and checking your health stats on your iPhone. Sweet! You can even watch the latest episode of Itchy and Scratchy while, you know, taking care of business. Woo-hoo-palooza!
And speaking of iPhones, the iToilet also comes with three internal cameras, ready to snap pictures of your bleeding hemorrhoids, then automatically sends them to your proctologist. D’oh-tacular! I bet even Mr. Burns would be impressed with that. Maybe I’ll install one at the Nuclear power plant to show it off. Stupid Flanders will be so jealous.
So, grab your Duff Beer, settle into your couch gags, and get ready for the next wave of smart technology. This iToilet is gonna be a doh-sterpiece. Woo-hoo-spectacular! Now, back to you, Fran.
Thanks, Homer. You’ve had quite a day. You better grab some beer and donuts and head for the couch! And, for our last story, “Elon Musk Proposes Mars as World’s Largest Retirement Community.” And who better to cover the action than Julia Child. Take it away, Julia.
Elon Musk Proposes Mars as Largest Retirement Community
Well, hello, dearies! Today, I have something simply mahvelous to share with you. Elon Musk, the innovative mind behind SpaceX, has just unveiled a truly ambitious plan—one that will transform Mars into the largest retirement community in the universe! Isn’t that just fascinating?
Now, imagine spending your golden years not in sunny Florida, but lounging on the red sands of Mars! Yes, you heard that right. Musk calls this grand project “ElderSpace.” Picture this: luxury domes nestled in communities amidst the Martian landscape. And for recreation? ElderSpace will feature zero-gravity shuffleboard, and golf courses that allow even novice golfers to smash a long drive into the stratosphere. Doesn’t that sound simply wonderful?
“Why spend your golden years on Earth when you can enjoy the tranquility and excitement of Mars?” Musk announced with great enthusiasm at the press conference. And I must say, with enough butter—or in this case, Martian dust—anything is good!
The project aims to launch the first wave of adventurous senior citizens in 2025. And for those early birds who are eager to embrace this cosmic retirement, there’s a delightful treat—a complimentary telescope to gaze back at their loved ones on Earth, and a lifetime supply of prune juice.
Living out your dreams among the stars, enjoying a new frontier, and indulging in Martian golf—this is more than just a retirement plan. It’s a chance to lead the charge into a new era, where your golden years are filled with exploration and wonder. As I’ve always said, the only real stumbling block is fear of failure. And, just like with cooking, with space travel you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude!
So, let’s raise a toast to this grand adventure. With a sprinkle of joy and a dash of excitement, you can transform your retirement into something truly out of this world. Fat gives food flavor, and a little low gravity gives life a whole new perspective. Here’s to mastering the art of living, wherever it may take us.
Back to you, Franny dear!
Well, that wraps up today’s episode of The News You Probably Didn’t See. I hope you enjoyed our little trip to Mars and all the other delightful stories we’ve shared. Remember, life is full of unexpected adventures and surprises, just waiting to be discovered. So keep reading those off-beat stories, stay curious, and never be afraid to dream big. Until next time, dear friends, this is Fran Drescher wishing you, bon appétit and farewell!
