Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, and fellow Rehab Rascals alumni, I stand before you today with a heart full of sincerity and a warm and welcoming spirit as we celebrate the union of my beautiful daughter, who we affectionately refer to as Snickerdoodle, and her dashing groom, Ziggy.
Before I begin, I’d like to thank Aunt Petunia for bringing the potato salad, Cousin Archibald for the beef jerky, and all the other special guests who have gathered to partake in this celebration with us. Ziggy, we feel we’ve gained a new family member, and we want you to know that you are always welcome in our home anytime; as long as it’s on National Kazoo Day. Just kidding. But please make sure it’s after six o’clock in the evening and on a weekend.
I’ll never forget the day Snickerdoodle took her first steps, a moment that perfectly foreshadowed her future. She walked straight into the arms of the plumber and said, “Da Da.” Oops!
As we gather here to celebrate, I can’t help but reminisce about the roller coaster ride it’s been raising our little Snickerdoodle. Like most other families, we’ve had our good and bad memories. Some of them are simply too precious not to share with you all, so please indulge me as I take you on a trip down memory lane.
I’ll never forget the day Snickerdoodle took her first steps, a moment that perfectly foreshadowed her future. She walked straight into the arms of the plumber and said, “Da Da.” Oops! Or, the time she decided to cut her own bangs the night before her high school graduation. She ended up looking like a cross between Johnny Rotten and Martha Stewart. We still have the photos to prove it.
Nevertheless, she made us all proud when she earned the coveted Usain Bolt Trophy for Eating during the Premenstrual Psychosis pandemic back in 2003
When Snickerdoodle was seven, she informed us that she wanted to become a professional ice cream taster. She went through countless pints of ice cream, determined to try every flavor known to man. We were all impressed with her commitment — even her Weight Watchers sponsor. But her dentist was less than thrilled.
In her pre-teen years, Snickerdoodle became fascinated with magic. She spent hours practicing her tricks in front of a mirror, then performed them at family gatherings. It was during one of these performances that she “accidentally” made her cousin’s pet hamster disappear. To this day we still have no idea what happened to it.
And who could forget the day Snickerdoodle graduated from Chester A. Arthur High School, after 19 years, while battling her Third Elbow Syndrome? Nevertheless, she made us all proud when she earned the coveted Usain Bolt Trophy for Eating during the Premenstrual Psychosis pandemic back in 2003.
Snickerdoodle’s college years were equally eventful, though we had hoped that attending Xena Beaver College (which changed its name to Arcadia University because they were tired of references to something related to a warm, wet vagina) would keep her out of trouble. However, she managed to create quite a ruckus after she founded the campus’s Polecats on the Run racing league for competitive ferrets. We still have movies of the little whipper snappers as they raced through a set of tubes sprinting toward the finish line on the other side of her dorm.
“Marriage is like a roller coaster; you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, but eventually you’re going to hurl”
After graduating, Snickerdoodle blew us all away when she landed her first real job: associate paperclip sorter at Sanitary Solutions, Inc. It was there that she met Ziggy, who was just starting out as a stapler repair technician. From what Snickerdoodle tells us, they met while playing Water Balloon Basketball at the company’s annual picnic. Since then, Snickerdoodle has been a huge success at photocopying, coffee brewing, and ergonomic chair adjusting.
As we embark on this new chapter in Snickerdoodle’s life, I am reminded of the advice I gave her when she was just a little girl: “Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you might be in an accident.” While that piece of advice may not be directly applicable to marriage, it did come in handy when she was a contestant on the popular TV show, Bungee Jumping for Dollars.
Snickerdoodle also had a knack for bringing home stray animals, much to the chagrin of her father. One day, she showed up with a one-eyed raccoon she named Captain Fluffy. We never knew how Captain Fluffy lost his left eye, but he seemed to do alright after we had him fitted with an eyepatch. That is, until his untimely death a year later. We like to imagine how he’s doing, living the life of a swashbuckling adventurer on the big pirate ship in the sky.
Finally, last week Snickerdoodle came to me seeking advice on her wedding day. I just told her, “Husbands’ erections are like wine; they take a long time to mature.” It’s always worked for me.
In closing, I’d like you to stand and raise your glass to Snickerdoodle and Ziggy. As the poet, Reginald P. Wellington once said, “Marriage is like a roller coaster; you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, but eventually you’re going to hurl.”
To Snickerdoodle and Ziggy, may your marriage be full of laughter, love, and only occasionally, nausea. Cheers!
