It’s about time you got here,” said God.
“Sorry, man. I would have been here earlier, but there was a humongous traffic accident on I-70 on my way out of town. Actually, it was MY accident, but you probably already know that.”
He did. After all, he was God.
The whole affair started late one Friday afternoon on my way out of town to go skiing. The blizzard tangled up traffic for miles, with motorists ricocheting off of each other, against the center divider like pin balls. But, what really did me in was trying to wolf down a foot-long, chili-cheese dog while balancing a bong in my lap. Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler finished me off when it fish-tailed, then slammed on its brakes. In an instant, I’d lost control of my ’76 Gremlin and was on my way to Heaven to meet my maker.
Most people who’ve experienced them share a number of common events like rising and becoming detached from their body, experiencing complete serenity, followed by a sense of security, and warmth — sort of like masturbating for the first time — only a million times better.
For those of you not familiar with near-death experiences (NDEs for short), they’re profound personal events associated with death — usually short-term and temporary. Most people who’ve experienced them share a number of common events like rising and becoming detached from their body, experiencing complete serenity, followed by a sense of security, and warmth — sort of like masturbating for the first time — only a million times better. God can do that.
The paramedics rushed me into the ER at Saint Fidenziano Cecchetti Medical Center, where I was literally clinging to the frayed edges of my life. From there, they carted me off to the operating room, cracked open my chest, and checked my oil, air filter, transmission fluid, and serpentine belt.
My trip to the top
Suddenly, my EKG flatlined. “We’ve got a problem,” shouted Dr. Baumberger, the chief cardiothoracic surgeon. “We’ve lost our television feed to ‘Money Matters.’” While two other surgeons, the anesthesiologist, a hematologist, four scrub nurses, and a plastic surgeon dropped what they were doing to hover over the problematic cable box, I took the opportunity to float up, out of my body, resting several inches below the ceiling. From there, I became disoriented and lost all sense of time.
With transportation expenses through the roof, they’ve put the kibosh on the whole light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel thingy.
“That happens,” said Tova. Tova Baumberger was my life-after-death guide — someone to guide me through my NDE. As the doctors were fiddling with the TV, Tova took my hand and guided me out through the roof of Saint Fidenziano Cecchetti’s.
I’d done a lot of reading about near-death experiences, so I had a pretty good idea about what to expect. “When do we walk through the dark tunnel to get to the bright light at the end?” I asked Tova.
The bus ride in Heaven
“Oh, we won’t be doing that. With transportation expenses through the roof, they’ve put the kibosh on the whole light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel thingy. The best I can offer you is this 2,000 lumen, rechargeable flashlight. You can aim it directly into your eyes and you’ll get a similar effect. Oh. Here comes our bus.”
“Our bus??? We have to ride buses in Heaven?” I asked.
“Of course, we do. Do you have any idea how much taxis cost in this place? And where we’re going is way too far to float. The only people up here who can afford cars and limousines are people like Bernie Madoff and Saddam Hussein. And that’s only because they squirreled away enough while they were still living.”
As the bus lumbered into mid-town, I asked Tova when I was going to have my life flash before my eyes? “That’s already happened,” said Tova.
“What? Where? When?”
“Three blocks back, when we drove through the intersection. Didn’t you see it?”
“What? That short flash of light? I thought that was the sun reflecting off of the Macy’s window.”
“Well, that was it,” said Tova. “What were you expecting? A three-hour IMAX feature film at the Grauman’s Chinese Theater? Get with the program, man. Things happen fast around here.”
All my family is in Miami Beach
“Well then, tell me when I get to meet all of my deceased relatives. When does that happen?” Tova frowned down at her clipboard, zipping through the entire list of deceased beings in Heaven. Then, she gave me the long, slow whistle. “Well, there’s bad news and really bad news. The bad news is your two brothers, three cousins all of your aunts and uncles have already taken off to hover over Miami Beach for the summer. The really bad news is your aunt Sonia is the only one left. She’s the one that smells, gave you Dutch rubs, and tickled you until you peed in your pants.
Apparently, both your mom and dad have been stuck down in Purgatory for the past thirty years. Something about an embezzlement charge and IRS audit.
“What about my parents?” I asked.
“Let me check my records,” said Tova. “Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm… that’s not good. Apparently, both your mom and dad have been stuck down in Purgatory for the past thirty years. Something about an embezzlement charge and IRS audit that went south when they were busted for running a meth lab in the back of their dry-cleaning business. I doubt they’ll get here by the time you have to leave.”
“Before I leave???” I gasped. “I thought I was in Heaven forever. You know, Nirvana. The Hereafter. Fantasyland. Camelot. Elysian Fields!” I was completely blown away. I thought I’d died and gone to Heaven. Little did I know that not only had I not permanently died, but I didn’t make it to Heaven, either. Just some lowly, junior varsity of the afterlife.
“Hmmm. I think you’re mistaken,” said Tova. “Elysian Fields was a popular nudist colony outside of Los Angeles that went bankrupt in 2007. Besides, this trip is described right there in your brochure as an Introductory Package to see if you measure up to our standards or if still have unfinished business in your mortal life, preventing you from coming here for eternity. Do you have anything you’ve left behind down on Earth before you permanently depart for Heaven? A wife? Small children to raise? An overdue balance on your Visa card?
The trip back home
For the first time in my life, I thought about something or someone other than myself. I was still young and capricious. I had so much to do. So much money to make. So many women to screw. I couldn’t give all of that up yet. So, I caved in and asked Tova if she could give me a little more time — say fifty or sixty years — before I packed up my soul and headed back here to Heaven. She agreed, and in an instant, I was back at Saint Fidenziano Cecchetti Medical Center, with a roommate that snored louder than the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.
I suddenly found a greater appreciation for life, a higher sense of self-esteem, and compassion for others. But fortunately, I snapped out of it.
While laying in bed flying high on fentanyl and morphine, something inside me changed. In the brief amount of time I was out of my body, I came to appreciate more what I had here on Earth. I suddenly found a greater appreciation for life, a higher sense of self-esteem, and compassion for others. I was concerned less about acquiring material wealth and had a heightened sense of my purpose, spirituality, and enhanced ecological sensitivity and planetary concern than ever before.
But fortunately, I snapped out of it.
“We nearly lost you,” said Dr. Baumberger standing at the bedside. “You flat-lined for over six minutes. We’re all glad you’re back!”
But, I wasn’t so sure. Despite all of my newfound awareness, and even though I was out of my body for less than ten minutes, I was convinced that there was something better than life on Earth to look forward to. Even if it’s not exactly the way it says it is in the brochure.
