I hate commercials. Thirty seconds after you watch them, you can’t remember who made them or what they were for. But I do have to admit that Rocket Mortgage™ has me hooked.
The mortgage company’s recent spate of commercials featuring actor/comedian Tracy Morgan touts, “When it comes to home buying or refinancing, ‘pretty sure’ isn’t sure enough.”
I’m pretty sure I can come up with a slew of other uses for the riff:
Clothing & Fashion
· I’m pretty sure your nipples won’t show in that bikini.
· I’m pretty sure I can give you a tattoo.
· I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to wear underwear on the inside.
· I’m pretty sure you’d look good in a suit made from Saran Wrap.
· I’m pretty sure my mom and dad will like your piercings.
· I’m pretty sure I could give you a haircut.
· I’m pretty sure I can still fit into my high school jeans.
· I’m pretty sure that swimsuit will cover your muffin top.
· I’m pretty sure the zipper goes in the front.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to wear your football helmet to church.
Doctors, Dentists & Medicine
· I’m pretty sure they can remove your appendix without anesthesia.
· I’m pretty sure it was your left wisdom teeth that need to come out.
· I’m pretty sure we didn’t leave any instruments inside you.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to be constipated for six months.
· I’m pretty sure your penis isn’t supposed to look like that.
· I’m pretty sure your teeth aren’t supposed to be darker than your belt.
· I’m pretty sure you can use Superglue as eye drops.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to take an entire bottle of Demerol at once.
· I’m pretty sure I could give you a nose job using what’s in the kitchen.
· I’m pretty sure men aren’t supposed to have lactating breasts.
Food, Beverages & Recipes
· I’m pretty sure you put cayenne pepper in birthday cakes.
· I’m pretty sure I could drink a whole bottle of tequila at one time.
· I’m pretty sure you can use Burmese python in lasagna recipes.
· I’m pretty sure you won’t get sick eating moldy food.
· I’m pretty sure you can use Spam in smoothies.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to eat anything that smells.
· I’m pretty sure my chili won’t make you sick… again.
· I’m pretty sure that’s your urine in the refrigerator.
· I’m pretty sure I could fit a watermelon in my mouth all at once.
· I’m pretty sure venison isn’t supposed to be gray.
At Work
· I’m pretty sure no one would recognize your Xeroxed vagina.
· I’m pretty sure you can’t bring your alligator to work.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to steal office products.
· I’m pretty sure no one knows it’s you who farts in the elevators.
· I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to have sex affairs with co-workers.
· I’m pretty sure your boss won’t miss the money you stole from him.
· I’m pretty sure it’s OK to lie at your annual review.
· I’m pretty sure no one will notice if I eat Peyote buttons at work.
· I’m pretty sure no one knows if you’re naked on Zoom calls.
· I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to take naps under my desk.
Just Plain Showing Off
· I’m pretty sure I can balance a 2×4 on my nose while riding a unicycle.
· I’m pretty sure I could ride a bull without holding on.
· I’m pretty sure I can lick my balls if I try hard enough.
· I’m pretty sure I can hold my breath underwater for over an hour.
· I’m pretty sure Jennifer Lopez will go out with me.
· I’m pretty sure I can hit that apple on your head with a sledgehammer.
· I’m pretty sure I could get a job pole dancing at “Hunk-O-Mania.”
· I’m pretty sure I’m sober enough to drive to the liquor store.
· I’m pretty sure I could climb Mt. Everest in the nude.
· I’m pretty sure I can write you a break-up song.
Can you think of any more?
