Washington, D.C. – As a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, small businesses are closing left and right with the national unemployment rate skyrocketing to over 8%. Authorities are concerned over the number of able-bodied men and women unable to return to work as bartenders, beauticians, and waiters. “Let’s face it. It’s getting tough out there,” said Eugene Scalia, U.S. Labor Secretary. “Even for college graduates.”
“People who have depended on their education and experience are finding it necessary to come up with more creative career solutions,” said Nicola Speranza, Career Counselor at Isaias Scrichfield Community College in Pumpkin Center, Missouri. So, to solve the problem, the Trump Administration has published its annual list of hot careers to get Americans back to work. Here is a brief list of the most sought after professions for 2020 that don’t require college degrees:
Odor Judge – Ever wonder how your favorite antiperspirant made it from the test tube to your underarm? Odor Judges are faced with the daunting task of evaluating thousands of scents under a variety of real-life situations to determine which product performs best under stressors such as a first date, obtaining a learner’s permit, or surviving a job interview. Odor Judges must complete 1500 hours of grueling training that includes anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, and organic scent identification.
Colonic Hydrotherapy Technician – Chiropractors, naturopaths, and assorted practitioners believe that the inside of the digestive tract is the mirror to your soul. So, to keep it smelling springtime fresh, Colonic Hydrotherapy Technicians flush more than twenty gallons of water, herbs, enzymes, and coffee through thirty inches of rubber hose, up where the sun doesn’t shine. Training consists of 100 hours of intensive online training and computer simulations followed by an intensive final examination where examinees administer treatments to the incarcerated at Rikers Island.
Mortuary Beautician – Three days after Auntie Bernice leaves this earth, she’ll be viewed by every member of her extended family and a thousand people she never met, so it’s important that she look her best. The Mortuary Beautician is charged with instilling the healthy glow that the embalmer washed away. The Mortuary Beautician is responsible for makeup (a LOT of makeup), hairstyling, and wardrobe coordination of the recently deceased. Most Mortuary Beauticians start out as beauty school dropouts or auto-body laborers.
Breast Measurer – One of the most popular new careers this year is Breast Measurer. Since the seventh century BC, women have been plagued with poor fitting brassieres, often resulting in maceration, intertrigo, and upper back pain. Up until recently, women have depended on a system of trial and error to properly fit bras. Recent scientific measuring approaches have also proven to be futile. But today, that’s all changed. Professional Breast Measurers, depend on measurement techniques that revolve around a key sense of touch using the palm of the hand to measure the weight, volume, and circumference of the breast. There is currently a five-year backlog of applications for schools offering this curriculum.
Ant Catcher – You’ll never forget the look on your child’s face the first time you see them studying an army of red ants burrowing a path to nowhere between two panes of glass in their Ant Farm while in the comfort of your living room; ants you’ve caught yourself! Ant Catchers enjoy a variety of work environments like dark, musty crawl spaces under houses, parched desert landscapes, and automobile junkyards. Catching ants requires a minimum amount of training and an infinite amount of patience.
Automobile Repossessor – Ever dreamed of driving the finest luxury automobiles without being saddled by huge car payments? Then perhaps repossessing cars is for you! Automobile Repossessors assist banks, credit unions, and car dealerships with reclaiming their assets from individuals unable to make their scheduled car payments. They enjoy an action-packed lifestyle as deadbeat creditors assault them with a variety of firearms, high-speed projectiles, and other sharp objects. Medical insurance is strongly recommended.
Human Cannonball – For those interested in shooting for the stars, a career as a Human Cannonball can be the bullet train to success. Employed at circuses and traveling carnivals, Human Cannonballs enjoy a variety of working environments and are in great demand in the entertainment industry. Prerequisites include a slim physique, appreciation for high power ordinance, and a love of high places.
Egg Breaker – Have you ever ordered an “egg white only” omelet? Ever wondered just who removed the yolks? Egg Breakers separate the yolks and whites of eggs for use in food products by striking eggs against a bar, then pouring the contents of the broken eggs into an egg-separating device. Egg Breakers enjoy the fast-paced life of the professional kitchen staff and are employed in fast-food restaurants, bakeries, and soup kitchens around the world.
Ball Picker – If you enjoy wandering aimlessly around in circles looking at the ground, then you’ll thrill to the excitement of spending your days picking up used golf balls from fairways, putting greens, and from the bottom of slime-infested duck ponds. Ball Pickers enjoy flexible work schedules and an independent lifestyle in a variety of locations from private golf courses to community driving ranges. Ball Pickers should be comfortable with constant bending at the waist, handling filthy objects, and wading into shallow, murky bodies of water infested with alligators, snakes, and other vermin.
Chicken Sexer – Chicken Sexers are highly trained individuals charged with the task of separating male chicks from female chicks. Male chickens are used primarily for their meat, while female chickens are used for their egg production. Chicken Sexers are trained in two techniques: Feather Sexing and Vent Sexing. Professional Feather Sexers can quickly determine the sex of a male chick by observing their long, wing pinfeathers. Vent Sexing involves literally squeezing the poop out of the chicks until their rectums dilate, allowing the Chicken Sexer to observe a small “bump” in the male chicks. Chicken Sexers must be ambidextrous and possess superior grip strength.
Semen Washer – Thanks to semen washers (and in vitro fertilization), more than 250,000 babies have been delivered in the U.S. since 1995. Semen Washers analyze seminal goo, placing samples under a microscope to perform sperm counts. After washing, Semen Washers spin the samples to separate the plasma from the motile cells. After processing, the samples are carted off to freezers for up to twenty years. Semen Washers typically work late night shifts in medical laboratories or black market sperm banks.
Manure Inspector – One and a half billion tons of manure are produced by animals in this country each year. Ninety percent of it from cattle. Animal manure is loaded with contaminants like campylobacter, salmonella, and E.coli which can cause kidney failure in children and painful, bloody diarrhea in everybody else. Manure Inspectors are charged with extracting these bacteria from animals and inventing methods to eliminate them from our food. Manure Inspectors enjoy the freedom of working alone, void of petty meddling by upper-level management.
Orangutan Pee Collector – Orangutan Pee Collectors monitor the steroid, estrogen, progesterone, cortisol, and ketone levels of primate urine through non-invasive measurements for a variety of scientific purposes. Information about an Orangutan’s levels of stress and their reproductive cycle can be determined by carefully measuring and tasting their diddle. Orangutan Pee Collectors must possess a Ph.D. in molecular biology, superior eyesight, and a diminished sense of smell.
Jelly Doughnut Filler – Many consumers are surprised to learn that jelly doughnuts do not come out of the oven filled with jelly. On the contrary, jelly doughnuts leave the oven as solid, doughy globs of baked flour. The jelly is introduced into the donut by a specially trained technician who jams a large hypodermic needle into the side of the donuts, then pumps the goo in by hand. Jelly Doughnut Fillers generally have superior upper body strength, must be able to tolerate hours of repetitious labor, high-fat diets, and hundreds of extra calories. A college education is not required.
Lifeguard at a Nude Beach – Looking for a way to put all of those wasted hours of lying around the house in your birthday suit to good use? Then lifeguarding at a nude beach could be for you! Nude beach lifeguards enjoy the slow-paced, yet highly charged lifestyle that is the envy of every randy young man and woman. Nude Beach Lifeguards generally possess low hormone levels and uncompromising self-control. Applicants must have 20/20 vision, be certified in advanced lifesaving, cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and basic anatomy. No uniform is required.
Stand-in Bridesmaid – Anyone who’s ever been to a poorly attended wedding can attest to the embarrassment of the wedding party when a paltry showing occurs – especially at the alter. Stand-in Bridesmaids satisfy the growing need for pseudo-friends after their social circles have been depleted by drug addiction, arrest warrants, restraining orders, infidelity, and divorce. Stand-in Bridesmaids may be rented individually, in pairs, or by the six-pack. Special deals may also be arranged for stand-in grooms, mothers, fathers, best men, and entire wedding parties.
Bingo Announcer – When was the last time that you experienced the thrill of being the first one in the room to stand up in a sea of elderly adults and shouted “Bingo”? If it’s been a while, then the exciting world of Bingo Announcing may be for you. Bingo Announcers enjoy working in a variety of interesting settings that include Veteran Administration Hospitals, managed care facilities, Elks Clubs, insane asylums, and dialysis clinics. No college degree is required, but prospective announcers must be able to count from one to ten without using their fingers and be familiar with all twenty-six letters of the American alphabet.
Piercing Technician – The first time that your teenage daughter came home with a metal stud jutting from the left side of her nostril, you probably thought to yourself, “Dang, I wish I could have been the one to do that to my little girl.” Well, now you can. Body Piercing is one of the fastest-growing careers for displaced middle managers, aerospace engineers, computer programmers, and other college-educated professionals. All you need to get started in this lucrative career is a reasonably good aim, poor taste, and a familiarity with hardware.
Don’t let our staggering unemployment rate sap the strength out of you. Start thinking outside of the box and join the millions of Americans who enjoy the fast-paced lifestyle of today’s alternative careers!
