The Crustwood Gazette January 15, 2025 By Orville T. Pendergrass Published by The Crustwood Gazette Crustwood, Iowa In an unexpected announcement that left both experts and regular people equally bewildered, the Trump administration has unveiled a groundbreaking new federal agency: the Department of Unified Nuclear Transportation and Regulatory Infrastructure (DUNTRI). This bold fusion of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) and the Department of Transportation (DOT) aims to… well, something about streamlining radioactive logistics with enhanced regulatory coherence, or maybe vice versa. According to Dr. Thelma J. Splotnick, Professor of Applied Bureaucracy at the University of Greater Fargo, “This is a monumental step forward. Or backward. It’s hard to say without…

The Prairie Gazette February 10, 2025 By Orville Throckmorton Published by The Prairie Gazette Elderberry, Nebraska In what officials are calling a “strategic reinvention of modern governance,” the Trump administration has announced the formation of the United States Postal Defense Command (USPDC)—a bold, innovative, and somewhat inexplicable fusion of the United States Postal Service and the Department of Defense. The newly minted department is expected to enhance national security while ensuring that packages arrive intact, eventually. According to officials who neither confirmed nor denied anything specific, the USPDC will harness the logistical prowess of mail carriers and the tactical precision of the military, creating a “swift and effective delivery-based defense…

The Cornfield Clarion February 10, 2025 By Aloysius Puddlefisk Published by The Cornfield Clarion Pickle Hollow, Iowa In a move that has left both environmentalists and firearms enthusiasts scratching their heads in unison, the Trump administration has unveiled the formation of the Bureau of Eco-Alcohol Regulatory Defense Strategies (BEARDS). This groundbreaking agency will unite the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) in what officials are calling “an unprecedented step toward eco-conscious enforcement with a hint of flammability.” While the exact function of BEARDS remains delightfully vague, insiders suggest it will oversee activities ranging from regulating carbon emissions in moonshine distilleries to ensuring…

The Turnip Grove Tribune February 10, 2025 By Eustace Wimplethorpe Published by The Turnip Grove Tribune Turnip Grove, Indiana In a bold and bewildering move, the Trump administration has announced the formation of the Bureau of Secure Academic Intelligence Operations (BSAIO), a pioneering effort that combines the expertise of the United States Secret Service (USSS) with the Department of Education (ED). The goal? To create an environment where learning is not only encouraged but also heavily surveilled—because nothing says academic freedom like armed agents monitoring your spelling tests. According to administration officials, BSAIO’s mission is to “fortify the minds of America’s youth while ensuring no pop quiz goes unprotected.” The…