Anita Phillips was ugly. I should know. I had to sit behind her, looking at the back of her head during the entire sixth grade. She had big ears, stringy hair and bumps on her head the size of golf balls. If her parents weren’t so cheap, they would have sought the services of a good plastic surgeon for her and spared me a lifetime of suffering. But things could have been worse. In between looking at the back of Anita’s head and staring off into space, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have birth anomalies more serious than big ears. Like having two left feet.…
-
-
Let’s Get This Potty Started Restroom breaks can be tedious
I was in my early 20s, when I decided to take a break from the tedious life I had created for myself and spend a summer in Munich, Germany. Ever since I saw Leni Riefenstahl’s epic documentary of the 1938 Olympic Games, I wanted to experience for myself what it would be like to pole vault in Bavaria. With barely $500 to live on, I realized that I’d need some way to support my trip, so I hit the straβe looking for work. After several days, the only thing I could come up with was an administrative job in the United States Army Post Exchange Headquarters. It wasn’t the greatest…
-
The Triple Nipple Club Having two nipples is so passe... How about three nipples, an extra penis or two vaginas?
I have three nipples. I’m not proud of them, but there they are. Resting a few inches below my right breast, my third nipple (also called a supernumerary nipple, accessory breast, multiple breast syndrome, mammae erraticae or polythelia) was first pointed out to me in the sixth grade when I took my shirt off during a heated kickball match. At the time, it was about the same size as my female classmates’ nipples, so I was a little self-conscious about it. Since then, I’ve just accepted it and been glad it hasn’t grown any larger. As it turns out, having three nipples is more common than I originally thought. One…
