It’s that time again. The time when television network executives decide which shows will make their fall line-up and those that won’t. Here’s a brief list of what you won’t be seeing on the major television networks this year: CSI: Proctologist – CSI: Proctologist follows Dr. Sam Sloan, accompanied by hard drinking, divorced New York City Detective, Mitchell Perez through a typical work day. The opening scene shows Dr. Sloan and Detective Perez standing over a bullet-ridden body with a 12-inch Bowie knife protruding from it’s back: Detective Perez: “So, Doc. What do you think was the cause of death?” Dr. Sloan: “It’s hard to tell, Mitch. I’ll have to…
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Making Writers Great Again Trump University may be closed, but it's not too late to write like a reality star
Folks, I’m very, very, very pleased to announce the grand opening of my Donald J. Trump Writers Workshop. Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges, we will confront hardships… wait a minute. That’s my inaugural speech, not my Writers Workshop introduction. Shit. Let me try it again. Folks, I’m very, very, very pleased to announce the grand opening of my Donald J. Trump Writers Workshop. This is going to be huge. And, believe me, you’re gonna love it, people. You’re gonna love it. Just like my sucessful popular Trump University, the Trump Writers Workshop will help…
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Become a Breast Surgeon – On-line! My twelve weeks on the road through medical school and more breasts than I'd ever seen!
As a terminated, over-the-hill computer operator I never dreamed that I’d have an opportunity so late in life to strut down the halls of a major medical center as a world renowned breast surgeon, barking out orders on my way to scrubbing up for a mastopexy. Up until now, all those years of drinking, bong smoking and my worthless junior college transcript relegated me to a life of dirty, low-paying jobs and the accompanying low self esteem. Going to medical school wasn’t even on my radar screen until the sagging economy, a shortage of new physicians and skyrocketing malpractice premiums made it possible for me to reach up and grab…
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Where the Sun Don’t Shine You want to stick THAT up where?
About the time I reached my fiftieth birthday, I experienced two inevitable milestones. The first was “The Letter” from AARP. The second was a reminder from my internist that it was time for my first colonoscopy. The AARP Letter magically appeared in my mailbox while I was in my late forties, inviting me to join the American Association of Retired People. It was the first time that I officially felt old. The week before, I was thinking about skydiving out of helicopters, running around with women half my age, racing formula one cars and skiing chest deep powder in Alaska. After getting The Letter, I became focused on reverse mortgages,…
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The Great Sperm Audition Getting paid to do what comes naturally
During tough economic times, difficult problems require creative solutions. It’s important to honestly take stock of your current skills and decide what you have to offer society that’s easily convertible into a livable wage–even if it’s just sperm. That’s why I was so intrigued when I ran across an article in the Washington Post, with the following headlines: “Fertility Clinics are Facing a ‘National Crisis’ Because of a Shortage of Sperm Donors” While I’d like to admit that my heart went out to all of the unfortunate couples who couldn’t conceive children on their own, in truth, it was my interest in self-centered preservation that was piqued. I could literally…
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