Humor Archives - Page 22 of 42 - Allen R Smith

All Entries, Communication, Humor

Lies are Like Boomerangs No matter how talented you are at telling whoppers, eventually, they’ll come back to haunt you.

May 12, 2021

There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend. – Jack Nicholson I’ve never told a lie. Now, that right there is a lie. But if you have, you know the sinking feeling of being caught like a deer in the headlights. The blood rushes from your head to your feet, you begin to hyperventilate and sweat profusely as you begin scrambling to tell another lie to cover up the one you just made up. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. The secret to getting away with lying is the same as throwing a boomerang. It revolves around three crucial elements…

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All Entries, Crime and Justice, Humor, Life and Death

Interview with a Felon It's not easy breaking the corporate barrier when you've done time

May 5, 2021

Hi. I’m here for the job. I’m sorry I’m late, but I missed the last bus from the halfway house because some of the other inmates started throwing food around at breakfast. By the time the guards released us from lockdown and found all the hidden knives, I had to steal a car to get here on time. I read in the newspaper ad that you’re looking for a mature, sharp-dressed, post-graduate educated CPA with extensive computer experience. Well, I don’t have any of those skills but I’m a fast learner. Just ask my cellmate. Besides, this place is only five minutes from the penitentiary, so I’d probably qualify for…

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Kindergarten: An Adventure Like No Other A preschool valedictorian addresses the challenges of disillusion, failure and broccoli
April 11, 2023

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The Great Sperm Audition Getting paid to do what comes naturally
January 11, 2016
All Entries, Education, Home Life, Humor

New Frontiers in Homeschooling Going to school can be tough... even if you never leave home

May 1, 2021

Like most other parents, my mom and dad agonized over my schooling options during the recent pandemic. After all, their choices were so limited. Short of sending me to the job site with my dad, they were reduced to two choices: break down and buy me a laptop or home school me. They chose the latter. “We were concerned,” said my mom. “We wanted him to experience all of the benefits of homeschooling during the pandemic without sacrificing any of the important social aspects of attending a large public school.” So, they came up with a unique approach to making my experiences at home mirror those I would have at…

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Great Moments in Digital History Why didn't Pheidippides just send a tweet?
August 18, 2016

Adventures in Shoe Sales The truth about what goes on behind the scenes at Thom McCan's
January 9, 2021

The Secrets Behind Writing Riveting Television Screenplays You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas
August 19, 2021
All Entries, Family, Health, History, Humor, Life and Death

Those Good Old Time Diseases Why nobody gets Dry Bellyache or Bucket Fever these days

April 26, 2021

I was a first-grader at Van Nuys Elementary School the first time I came into contact with the medical system and its old time diseases. As a healthy child, the only thing that slowed me down was the occasional off-color weenie on “Hot Dog Friday.” None of the hair-netted ladies behind the steam table thought for a minute that I could have something as serious as Ptomaine Poisoning and wouldn’t have been able to recognize it even if I had. Instead, one of them took off her apron and marched me downstairs to the nurse’s office where she laid me down on an old army cot that smelled of other…

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You Can’t Compete with a Serial Killer How I lost to a ringer in The Dating Game
August 11, 2016

Thumbs in the Vault – Part One The Siskel & Ebert Reviews You Weren't Meant to See
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I’m 70 Years Old, Unemployed and a Complete Success Success usually has little to do with how much money you make
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All Entries, Home Life, Humor

The Worst Thing About the Pandemic And why it's so hard to do your laundry

April 24, 2021

I know, I know. In the midst of a lethal pandemic where scores of Covid-19 patients are struggling for their lives, it seems pathetically small of me to focus on something like how I can’t wash my clothes using my apartment building’s coin-operated machines. But it isn’t just about staying springtime fresh. In the immortal words of Wash Hogwallop, finding ways to do your laundry, weigh yourself, or have Zoltar tell your fortune have “Up ‘an R-U-N O-F-F-T.” Thank God, I gave up using cigarette vending machines in 1976. All of the hoo-ha started during the summer of 2020 with the closure of retailers, gas stations, and restaurants. Apparently, many…

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Eulogy for Stanko Mourning the loss of a man who left behind an indelible mark on our lives like the stains on his favorite armchair
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