My tenth-grade science teacher was a short, ugly, middle-aged junkie who lived in the slums on the wrong side of town. But I’m not allowed to say that anymore. Instead, political correctness dictates that I write something like, “My high school pedagogue of advanced scientific theories was an unconventional-looking, vertically, and chronologically challenged male with a substance abuse dependency who lived in an economically deprived part of the propinquity. There. Does that sound better? Hmmm… Not to me. What set me off on this ridiculous diatribe was the deflating news that my favorite California ski resort is succumbing to pressure to change its name.[1] By the start of the next…
-
-
I Only Have a Few Months to Live But my drooling has gotten much better!
Every morning before I open my eyes to the rest of the world, I convince myself this is the day I’m going to die. It has to be. Anyone who’s lived as crappy a life as I have is bound to be suffering from something that will fast track them to the pearly gates. But to get a better handle on my diminishing health, I need to diagnose everything that’s wrong with me, its severity, and compute exactly how long I have left to live. My last episode began with an innocuous pain on the inside of my cheek. By running the tip of my tongue over the affected area,…
Related Posts
When Life Gives You Gorilla Glue Unbelievable Tales of Everyday Absurdities
Meals from Messes Where Culinary Catastrophes Meet Gastronomic Madness
The Secrets Behind Writing Riveting Television Screenplays You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas
-
You Can Go to Hell And take my ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes with you
Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes. Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt? M: Yes, it’s right here. W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return? M: A bag of ice cubes. W: Did you buy the bag of iced cubes at a store or online? M: I bought it here. W: I see. Do you have the original packaging? M: Yes. It’s right here. W: Fine. I see the plastic bag, but where are the ice cubes? M: Well, they used to be here, but they’re gone now. W: What happened to…
-
The Greatest Stories Never Told A Legendary Hollywood icon shares what really went on behind the scenes while filming The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur, The Sound of Music, and Titanic
Back in the fall of 1954 when Charlton Heston first came to me with an idea for a religious adventure film, I thought he was nuts. After all, I was only five years old at the time and had just started my first year at the prestigious Léman Manhattan Preparatory School. “Listen, Chuckie.” That’s what he liked to be called back then. “I don’t know the first thing about epic religious dramas. And besides, I just signed a new deal with Isaac Himmelman over at Paramount for Killer Tomatoes From Mars. Not to mention my studies. My parents are dropping over fifty-grand a year and have big plans to get…
-
I Mastered The Theremin To Get Laid And I’m not ashamed to admit it
“I could play that.” “What are you talking about?” “That. That eerie music thingy.” “Do you mean the theremin?” “Yeah. Well, I don’t know what you call it, but I bet you I could learn how to play it.” “You’re on. I’ll bet you can’t learn how to play Over the Rainbow on the theremin in a month. If you lose, you have to take me out to dinner. If you win, I’ll take you out. I’ll even show you my nipples.” And so, I was off and running in my continuing quest to learn how to play yet another musical instrument — this time the theremin — and get…
Related Posts
Is Freelancing for You? How to decide if working for yourself is the right step to take
The Wilhelm Scream A good Hollywood scream is hard to find; unless you know where to look
How To Explain the Birds and the Bees to a Five-year-old Boy — ChatGPT Style Using the new AI technology to help make it easy on parents
