Like most other parents, my mom and dad agonized over my schooling options during the recent pandemic. After all, their choices were so limited. Short of sending me to the job site with my dad, they were reduced to two choices: break down and buy me a laptop or home school me. They chose the latter. “We were concerned,” said my mom. “We wanted him to experience all of the benefits of homeschooling during the pandemic without sacrificing any of the important social aspects of attending a large public school.” So, they came up with a unique approach to making my experiences at home mirror those I would have at…
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The Worst Thing About the Pandemic And why it's so hard to do your laundry
I know, I know. In the midst of a lethal pandemic where scores of Covid-19 patients are struggling for their lives, it seems pathetically small of me to focus on something like how I can’t wash my clothes using my apartment building’s coin-operated machines. But it isn’t just about staying springtime fresh. In the immortal words of Wash Hogwallop, finding ways to do your laundry, weigh yourself, or have Zoltar tell your fortune have “Up ‘an R-U-N O-F-F-T.” Thank God, I gave up using cigarette vending machines in 1976. All of the hoo-ha started during the summer of 2020 with the closure of retailers, gas stations, and restaurants. Apparently, many…
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The Camino Curse How a gallon of red wine and too much free time can spell disaster
Long before lassoing our first girlfriends and wives, Saturday nights were reserved for “the boys” and were always tough to fill. Oh sure, we could have gone to the movies or played miniature golf, but what would be the point of that? What kind of memories would we create by spending an entire evening at the Rivoli Theater or the Putt Putt miniature golf course? There would be plenty of time for that later when we were old and in our 30s. With nothing to do and no money to do it, we typically congregated in the back of the parking lot shared by the Big Donut and the Pup…
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Shake My Hand or I’ll Kiss You The simple handshake isn’t the only way people say hello... and it isn’t isolated to the United States
Moments after I was born, Dr. Felsenbaum greeted me with a slap on my heinie. Naturally, I was too young to understand the significance of the gesture and took immediate offense to being manhandled straight out of the womb. As it turns out, it wouldn’t be the last time someone slapped me on my backside. I just wished he would have given me a firm hand shake instead. That whack on the bum was my first introduction to a long list of quaint American greeting traditions and was meant to get me started crying and breathing. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have preferred a…
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Maneuvering Through M&Ms Grocery shopping has gotten brutal out there
I’m the kind of person who can go their entire life without telling someone what to do. Call me lazy, but I think anyone over the age of 12 should have enough sense to do the right thing—like moving their shopping cart to the side of the aisle when they run over to grab the pickles they forgot. Apparently though, I stand alone on this subject, so I’m going to take this opportunity to expound on the way supermarkets should be run—through a four-point plan for supermarket and shopper regulation. Point one would require all shoppers to be at least 21 years of age to operate a shopping cart. In…