We lost Hugh today. Somehow, our pet cat managed to slither out of our second-story bathroom window and was run over by an 18-wheeler carrying a load of chickens headed for a KFC. Considering the amount of time he spent futilely chasing birds, it was a humiliating end to an otherwise, distinguished life. The only thing that could have been worse was if he had been flattened by a truckload of squirrels. Nevertheless, we’ll miss Hugh. But, it was his time to go. After all, he was 12-years-old and beginning to show early signs of dementia. From time to time, he’d confuse his water dish with his litter box, so…
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Breaking Beav The true story of how Ward, June, Wally and the Beav succeeded in the methamphetimine trade
“Hi, dear. How was your day?” “Oh, Ward. Sheriff Williams raided the house again this afternoon.” “That makes the third time this month. What happened?” “You know. The same old thing. The Wilson’s complained about Theodore’s meth lab again. Apparently the fumes coming out of his and Wally’s bedroom floated over the backyard fence and killed their cat. They’re threatening to move out of the neighborhood and Julia told me if it happens again she’s dropping out of the PTA bake sale.” “I’ll go upstairs and have a talk with the Beaver. Maybe I can convince him to go back to his paper route.” *** “Beaver, what’s this I hear…
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With Rentals Like These, Who Needs Friends? Regaining familial tranquility with "Rent-a-Friend"
This started out as a bad year. In less than 6 months, I lost my job, condominium, car and all of my friends. Even the cat packed up her litter box and left. When my parents heard the bad news, they immediately snapped into action: they fled to Boca Raton and dropped me from their Christmas card list. The exodus continued with all of my aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and my one remaining frat brother. Then it hit me. Friends and relatives are just things. Things you can rent. After the devastation settled in, I made up my mind that I was never going to own friends or family…
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38 Million Minutes to Go It took me years to discover that I, alone, control the time I spend on earth--good Lord!
Like most people, I was born with 38,894,400 minutes to do with as I please before I depart this earth and embark on my journey into the next life. If I’m lucky, I’ll be reincarnated as a sexier model of my earthly self, with a chance to marry Amy Darowitz, have 10 kids, go to Harvard Law School and become a managing partner at Cohen, Beckermann, Feuchtwanter and Hincklestein. Short of that, I’ll just have to make the best of the time I’ve been given. Time is such a nebulous concept that I’ve felt the need to explore it on more than one occasion. The first time was literally the…
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Better Living through Drug Addiction It's easy getting through life... as long as you have pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamins, tranquilizers, hormones, and suppositories
I’m hopelessly addicted to drugs. You name a pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamin, tranquilizer, hormone, douche or suppository and I’ve not only taken it, but I’ve abused it. Largely because I have an addiction. Anything worth taking is worth taking a lot. In all fairness, I can’t take the blame for my wayward behavior. It began the day I popped out of my mother’s womb when the pediatric nurses started basting me with petroleum jelly and baby lotion like I was a Thanksgiving turkey. In those days, babies were always covered with something. Pediatricians were convinced by the drug companies that it was dangerous for a baby’s skin to…