It’s easy to romanticize the Old West. Hollywood gave us dusty cowpokes with jaws sharp enough to split a whiskey barrel and waistlines tighter than their lariats. Meanwhile, historical photos offer a somber parade of gaunt-faced pioneers and skeletal sodbusters, squinting toward the camera like they’re gaping maws of dysentery. But let’s put away the sepia-toned lies for a moment and take a gander at the deeper, fleshier truth. The West wasn’t just wild—it was well-fed. Sometimes too well-fed. While history might have you believe that settlers subsisted on hope and shoe leather, the reality is they had calories. A lot of them. And not the kale-and-goji-berry kind, either. We’re…
-
-
Soaking Private Ryan War is hell and so is finding a good super soaker on the battlefield
Original Premise: Saving Private Ryan (1998) – The D-Day Landing The brutally realistic Omaha Beach invasion sequence places viewers directly into the chaos and terror of war, setting a new standard for battle scenes in cinema. Opening Scene Omaha Beach, June 6, 1944. The landing craft surges forward through the choppy waves. Soldiers brace themselves, faces grim, hands trembling. Bullets rip through the air. Explosions turn the surf into a frothing nightmare. A lone seagull flies overhead, blissfully shitting on the carnage below—until it is struck by a stray bullet and plummets into the ocean. An officer takes out a small notebook and takes credit for the kill. A Private…
-
You’re Finished Judah Ben-Hur Ancient Rome’s most intense traffic jam
Original Premise: Ben-Hur (1959) – The Chariot Race Judah Ben-Hur and Messala’s thunderous chariot race in the Circus Maximus, filled with heart-stopping collisions, ruthless tactics, and breathtaking stunt work, remains one of the most thrilling and iconic action sequences ever filmed. Opening Scene The Circus Maximus – The Annual Fourth of July Chariot Race Description The Roman crowd roars as the chariots line up at the starting gate. Vendors wander through the stands selling suspiciously modern snacks. One man hawks “Centurion Style,” popcorn (whatever that means) while another peddles “Authentic Coliseum Nachos.” A sign behind them reads, “NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY.” Messala and Ben-Hur glare at each other from their chariots…
-
Moses and the Liquid Traffic Jam A story of faith water management and unprecedented crowd control
Original Premise: The Ten Commandments (1956) – The Parting of the Red Sea Moses raising his staff and commanding the Red Sea to part, creating towering walls of water for the Israelites to escape Pharaoh’s army, is one of the most awe-inspiring moments in cinematic history. Opening Scene The sun blazes down upon the desert. The Israelites stand at the edge of the Red Sea, staring at the endless expanse of water, sweating profusely. Behind them, the Pharaoh’s chariots thunder closer, kicking up a dust cloud so large it’s identified as an official weather pattern. Moses, his beard flowing majestically in the wind (despite the absence of wind), grips his…
-
The Gladiator’s Half-Time Show When in Rome make ‘em laugh or get fed to the lions
Original Premise: Gladiator (2000) – “Are You Not Entertained?” Fresh from brutally dispatching his opponents in the Colosseum, Maximus taunts the stunned Roman audience, demanding acknowledgment of his violent spectacle. Opening Scene The Colosseum, a massive stone arena, echoes with cheers, gasps, and one guy selling hardboiled grapes. The sun glares down on the sand-covered battlefield where Maximus, clad in battered armor, wearing a pair of Gucci Square Sunglasses, stands over several very dead guys. Blood drips from his sword, but his hair remains perfectly coiffed. The crowd is silent, staring at him with mild confusion. Maximus: Are you not entertained?! Silence. Maximus: C’mon now. Are you not entertained? A…
