Mitchum Antiperspirant: Remove the cap from the top of the product casing. Twist the knob at the bottom of the container counter-clockwise, until the product begins to ooze from the small holes at the top of the dispenser. While holding the dispenser in your right hand, lift your left elbow away from your naked body until your upper arm is parallel to the floor. Point the tip of the dispenser toward your underarm at a 45-degree angle where your upper arm and torso meet (armpit). Press the dispenser firmly against your skin while dragging the applicator down, applying a thin film of product to your skin. Repeat under other arm.…
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Those Good Old Time Diseases Why nobody gets Dry Bellyache or Bucket Fever these days
I was a first-grader at Van Nuys Elementary School the first time I came into contact with the medical system and its old time diseases. As a healthy child, the only thing that slowed me down was the occasional off-color weenie on “Hot Dog Friday.” None of the hair-netted ladies behind the steam table thought for a minute that I could have something as serious as Ptomaine Poisoning and wouldn’t have been able to recognize it even if I had. Instead, one of them took off her apron and marched me downstairs to the nurse’s office where she laid me down on an old army cot that smelled of other…
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A Concise History of Breasts Who has them, who doesn't and what women did about them
It’s that time of year again, when a man’s fancy turns to breasts. Specifically, women’s breasts. You know, babaloos, bazookas, boulders, chi-chis and flapdoodles? Headlamps, hooters, jugs, Lewinskis, and chumbawumbas. Milk bombs, nose warmers, shirt puppies, tatas, dinglebobbers and torpedoes. Whatever you choose to call them, they’re the most alluring part of a women’s body and the part that’s always on a man’s mind. And, apparently, I’m not alone. Men and women have been thinking about boobsters for about as long as they’ve been adorning women’s chests. Although no one was there to record it, I’m sure that the moment after his fateful bite of the apple, Adam said to…
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The Marathon Miracle Or, how to train for a marathon without running a mile
It’s 6:15 in the morning and the pavement is flying beneath me. With each stride through the dark, frosty morning, I’m gobbling up yards of San Vicente Boulevard as I head for the final stretch back to the office. Even though I’m cold and clammy, there’s a certain exhilaration knowing that there aren’t many others up at this hour, let alone preparing for an event like the marathon: 26.2 miles of grueling, energy-sapping punishment. I’d wanted to run a marathon for more than twenty years. But even during the fog of my alcohol and drug addiction, I somehow acknowledged that subjecting my body to that kind of stress would be…
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Malcolm Brown, M.D.—Ghetto Doctor Director Mel Gibson is poised to release two new films, “Ghetto,” written entirely in Ebonics and “Malcolm Brown, M.D.,” scripted in Pig Latin
Malibu, California—In an effort to redeem himself after his embarrassing DUI arrest, the Academy Award-winning director, Mel Gibson, is poised to release two new film projects: “Ghetto,” written entirely in Ebonics and its sequel, “Malcolm Brown, M.D.,” scripted in Pig Latin. Gibson, famous for producing other films like “The Passion of the Christ” and “Apocolypto,” that were made using the Aramaic and Yucatec Mayan languages, said the two new films promise to be a more accurate reflection of the true emotions that surround life in a low-income, high-crime housing neighborhood of Michigan. “Ghetto’ will be filmed entirely on location at the Foster Chubbs housing project in southern Detroit,” said Gibson.…
