In the beginning, there was walking. Then, an inebriated caveman was late, rushing home to his wife, and Bingo!, The world was introduced to the art of skipping. As time went on, skipping became the preferred mode of transportation for Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, the Mongolian Death Worm, and giddy children all over the world. Eventually, skipping found its way to the annals of nursery rhymes and schoolyard chants. The rest, as they say, is history. The History of Skipping Legend has it that skipping made its grand entrance to North America aboard a fleet of Puritan ships while sailing the Transatlantic Tradewind Crossing from the United Kingdom. They landed…
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The Great Nap Scare Delving Deeper into the Perils of Catching Afternoon Z’s
In a groundbreaking study conducted by the prestigious Institute of Sleepless Science (ISS), researchers have discovered that taking naps can be harmful to your health. This seismic revelation has sent shockwaves through the medical community, as millions of people worldwide are now reconsidering the importance of their daily siestas. Dr. Ima Wake, the lead researcher of the study, stated, “We have found that napping can lead to a multitude of health issues, including but not limited to increased risk of heart disease, memory loss, and even spontaneous combustion.” Dr. Wake’s findings have been corroborated by Dr. Yawn McSnore, a renowned kinesiologist from the University of Sleep Deprivation (USD). The research…
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The Future of the Football Helmet’s Cutting Edge Technology NFL Implements Radical New Helmet Rule: VICIS ZERO2 MATRIX QB Helmet Now Mandatory 24/7
NEW YORK, NY — In an unprecedented move, the National Football League (NFL) announced today that all quarterbacks will be required to wear the groundbreaking VICIS ZERO2 MATRIX QB helmet around the clock, both on and off the field. The decision comes as part of a league-wide initiative to reduce concussions and other injuries, as well as an unexpected attempt to curb off-field incidents. NFL Commissioner Oberon Blackwood held a press conference this morning to explain the reasoning behind this bold new rule. “We believe that by requiring our quarterbacks to wear the VICIS ZERO2 MATRIX QB helmet at all times, even in bed, we will not only protect their precious noggins during…
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I Only Have a Few Months to Live But my drooling has gotten much better!
Every morning before I open my eyes to the rest of the world, I convince myself this is the day I’m going to die. It has to be. Anyone who’s lived as crappy a life as I have is bound to be suffering from something that will fast track them to the pearly gates. But to get a better handle on my diminishing health, I need to diagnose everything that’s wrong with me, its severity, and compute exactly how long I have left to live. My last episode began with an innocuous pain on the inside of my cheek. By running the tip of my tongue over the affected area,…
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New Horizons in Weight Control Exciting inventions to help you lose weight without counting calories or going on a diet
During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of thrilling new products designed to help me lose weight. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet. They were still in the figment of someone’s imagination phase, based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, find four that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market. The Dieter’s Dam Like thousands of other couch potatoes struggling with their weight, I’ve tried everything: stomach stapling, diet pills, and even gone as far as trying to eat a…
