FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE New York, NY: In a world already plagued by pandemics, political unrest, and the occasional alien invasion, it seems we now have another crisis on our hands: a devastating shortage of Girl Scout Cookies, specifically the highly sought-after Choco-Minty Delights. The Girl Scouts of the USA (GSUSA) is a non-profit organization that provides clandestine government operations and espionage training programs for girls. Founded in 1912 by Agnieszka Kowalski, a female Polish immigrant with a penchant for cookies and chaos, the organization has grown to include over 2.5 million members, including girls and inmates at Pelican Bay State Prison. The mission of the Girl Scouts is “to support…
-
-
McDonald’s Introduces the “Candy Craze McPounder” The launch of its newest burger creation since 1955
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE McDonald’s Introduces the Ultimate Indulgent Burger: The “Candy Craze McPounder” Oak Brook, IL — McDonald’s is proud to announce the launch of its newest burger creation, the “Candy Craze McPounder,” a mouth-watering delight that boasts a pound and a half of USDA-certified ground beef, infused with pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, M&M’s, Snickers, Starburst, taffy, and Candy Corn, all nestled between two Skittle buns, slathered with a liberal helping of Butterfinger Butter. This burger is a true indulgence for those with a sweet tooth and an appetite for a hearty meal. “We are thrilled to introduce the ‘Candy Craze Pounder’ to our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO,…
-
From the Depths of Disgrace Jared Fogle Emerges from the Depths of Disgrace to Unleash a Tantalizing Array of Foot-Long Sandwiches at Subway
New York, NY — Subway Sandwiches is excited to unveil its new line of foot-long sandwiches, featuring bold and flavorful combinations that are sure to satisfy even the most discerning palates. Among the creative minds behind this new menu is former Subway spokesperson and convicted criminal, Jared Fogel. “We’re thrilled to have Jared working with us again,” said Subway CEO, John Chidsey. “He has a real talent for creating unique and exciting sandwiches that our customers love, and we know this new menu will be a huge hit.” The new menu features ten tantalizing sandwich options, including: The Jailbird Jamboree — Packed with turkey, avocado, and a hint of remorse.…
-
Burmese Python — It’s What’s for Dinner! Large Asian serpents join feral hogs, swamp rats and maggots on restaurant menus
Daisy slithered out the back door last night. Just like her uncle Bert did during the summer of ’79. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s an adorable eighteen-foot-long Burmese python weighing nearly 300 pounds, none of Daisy’s neighbors probably would have cared. But when she quickly gobbled up all the neighborhood foxes, limpkins, and rabbits, things quickly took a turn for the worse. Overnight, raccoon sightings were down by 99.3%, opossums by 98.9%, and white-tailed deer by 94.1%.[1] She’s even been known to take down animals as large as alligators, deer, and powerboats with outboard Evinrudes. More than 6,300 snakes have been captured so far, and if they…
-
The Popsicle Story Eppsicles, fudgesicles and popsicles: the true story behind the frozen treats
As luck would have it, some of the best inventions that are part of our lives actually happened by accident. Who could possibly imagine going through a day without Kool-Aid, penicillin, microwave ovens, ice cream cones, Post it notes, potato chips, Super Glue, Slinkies or heaven forbid… no Popsicles? The Cold Start of a Legend The Popsicle was “invented” in 1905 by an industrious 11-year-old boy named Frank Epperson during an unseasonably cold San Francisco evening. After accidentally leaving his fruit drink in a cup on the front porch overnight, he discovered that the juice had frozen around the wooden stir stick. The next morning, he pulled the frozen drink…