Family Archives - Page 6 of 9 - Allen R Smith

All Entries, Family, Home Life, Humor, Romance

My Sizzling Russian Bride Finding "Ms. Right" after Farmersonly, GothicMatch, STDFriends, CougarWomen, DirtyEncounters and Meet-an-Inmate.com

July 31, 2018

By the time I found Svetlana, my Russian bride, I knew I was in love. Having been tossed off all the run-of-the-mill American online dating sites like Farmersonly, GothicMatch, STDFriends, CougarWomen, DirtyEncounters and Meet-an-Inmate.com, I finally resorted to trolling for eastern European women on SizzlingRussianBrides.com. That’s where my troubles began. After combing through thousands of profiles of beautiful Russian women, I settled on someone I thought could be “the one.” Svetlana was a voluptuous 27-year-old dental hygienist from the small village of Trochenbrod. According to her profile, she was college educated, spoke “some English” and loved reading, cooking, photography and pole vaulting. Her carefully crafted message read, “Hi. I’m Svetlana.…

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Pardon Me, But You’re Stepping on My Boundaries They’re not much but they’re all we have

July 29, 2018

The first thing I noticed about the gleaming new Porsche was the way it was parked–strategically straddling a disabled space and the one next to it—my parking space. But, instead of throwing a hissy fit, I calmly took out my car keys and gouged a continuous line along the entire side of the car. That is, after I surgically removed both windshield wipers and liberated the air from all four tires. So much for social and personal boundaries. I suppose to some my reaction might have been a tad over the top for something as innocuous as stealing a parking space. But, it’s my space. It’s the one possession I…

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Monkey in a Pink Canoe Why parents refuse to talk about the birds and the bees

November 11, 2017

“Where did I come from?” asked Shadrach as we pulled up to his football game at Fleigenbaum Field. Having never been married, I thought I’d be exempt from ever having to discuss the birds and the bees with a 6-year-old quarterback, so I never put much thought into what I’d say if asked. Looks like I was going to have to punt. “Well, Shadrach, each month, in one of your mommy’s two ovaries, a few immature eggs develop into follicles. The mature follicle releases an egg during ovulation, which turns into the corpus luteum. Progesterone prepares the endometrium in anticipation of the embryo. Then, your daddy’s sperm travels up the…

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Help on the Home Front On television, there’s always an easy, happy ending to alcoholism. Ah, if it were only that way in real life.

October 11, 2017

The scene opens with a small, emotional group of family and friends huddled around the struggling alcoholic about to perform an intervention – a showdown of sorts – aimed at helping the afflicted change their ways. After an hour, the tears flow, everyone hugs each other and the alcoholic makes a miraculous recovery. On television, there’s always an easy, happy ending. Ah, if it were only that way in real life. To the uninitiated, the portrait of the alcoholic or drug abuser (who, we’ll refer to as addicts) is evident: the scruffy, unemployed middle-age man sleeping under a bridge with his bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in a brown paper…

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Speed Dating Cougars, MILFs and Chihuahuas Scoring the woman of your dreams from your Barcalounger and iPhone

September 11, 2017

Ten minutes after my divorce was final, I decided that I’d waited long enough to go looking for the woman of my dreams. Or, at least the next woman of my dreams. It was time for speed dating. I heard from my friends that dating in the 21st Century might be a tad different than I remember it. Guys don’t cruise the boulevard looking for chicks at the malt shop anymore and it’s not cool to leave large hickies on their necks. So, I decided to do some research before I got busy. The Internet has made dating infinitely easier than it used to be. Thanks to my Comcast account,…

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