The early bird catches the worm So, we’ve all heard the phrase “The early bird catches the worm,” right? A classic nugget of wisdom, passed down through generations, warning us that if we hit snooze one too many times, some overachieving, oat-milk-latte-drinking go-getter is gonna snatch our opportunities right out from under us. But let’s be real—what kind of lunatic bird wants a worm? That’s not a reward. That’s a punishment. Imagine rolling out of bed at the crack of dawn, racing to the front of the breakfast line, and all they’ve got is a raw, wriggling, protein-packed worm. “Oh wow, thanks, Nature. No eggs? No toast? Just a dirt-flavored…
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I’ll Be Your Wingman Until Judge Wapner Starts Yet another Top Gun Screenplay
Fade in Exterior Naval Air Station – Tarmac – High Noon Sun pounding. Jet engines roar. Pilots stride with purpose and determination. Tension crackles in the humid air. Commander “Viper” Metcalf glares at Raymond “Juicebox” Babbitt (Dustin Hoffman), who stands stiff, clutching a laminated flight schedule. Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell smirks nearby, sunglasses glinting. Viper (growling) You’re telling me you’re the best damn pilot in this program? Juicebox Uh-oh. Yeah. Uh, definitely best. Judge Wapner, at four o’clock. Maverick (mocking) Oh, we’re in trouble now. Viper This isn’t some joyride, Juicebox. You got bogeys on your tail, you don’t start reciting People’s Court rulings. You react. Juicebox No joyrides. Ten…
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There’s No Place Like Home For getting terminated
Fade in Exterior Kansas Farmland – Twister Hellstorm – Night The Kansas sky churns like a wrathful beast. A monstrous tornado roars through the farm, debris flying like shrapnel. The barn collapses. Dorothy (played by The Terminator, aka T-800) stands at the center, unflinching. Aunt Em (screaming over the wind) Dorothy! Get inside! T-800 (stoic, scanning the chaos) Negative. This storm is highly inefficient. Must neutralize. Uncle Henry (clutching Aunt Em) What the hell does that mean?! A flying cow smashes into the fence. The house lifts. Dorothy and Toto are sucked into the vortex. Cut to Exterior Munchkinland – Crash Site – Day The house slams down into Oz,…
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Misery Loves Company Roseanne Roseannadanna’s Ankle Adjustments
Scene 1 Paul Sheldon’s Captivity and the Build-Up A dimly lit bedroom, stale air thick with dread. A single lantern flickers on the nightstand. Paul Sheldon, sweating, helpless, and bound to the bed, blinks against the haze of pain meds. The door creaks open. Heavy footsteps. Annie Wilkes (played by Roseanne Roseannadanna) enters, her wild hair a frizzed-out halo, her expression unreadable. Paul Sheldon Annie… Annie, please. I know you’re upset… Roseanne Roseannadanna (nasally, exasperated, pacing) Oh, ya think?! Paul, lemme tell ya somethin’, ya sit here in bed all day, ya don’t write, ya make a big mess in the bedpan—it’s disgustin’! Like when ya eat a pastrami sandwich,…
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J. Peterman’s Legends of Lingerie Catalogue Where every silhouette is an adventure
Man-Nifique Body Shaping Girdle for Men There I stood, in the heart of a Moroccan bazaar at dusk, a whirlwind of spices and whispered secrets encircling me like an elaborate dance of fate. The scent of cardamom mingled with intrigue, and I, draped in a linen shirt far too delicate for such an escapade, lamented the quagmire of my own folly. A clandestine merchant, eyes shadowed beneath a resplendent turban, leaned in. “A man of your… stature,” he mused, “requires something with—how shall we say—structure?” Indeed. The Man-Nifique Body Shaping Girdle for Men. An indomitable marvel of compression, a steadfast ally in one’s quest for unparalleled refinement. Its 90% Nylon,…
