I hate commercials. Thirty seconds after you watch them, you can’t remember who made them or what they were for. But I do have to admit that Rocket Mortgage™ has me hooked. The mortgage company’s recent spate of commercials featuring actor/comedian Tracy Morgan touts, “When it comes to home buying or refinancing, ‘pretty sure’ isn’t sure enough.” I’m pretty sure I can come up with a slew of other uses for the riff: Clothing & Fashion · I’m pretty sure your nipples won’t show in that bikini. · I’m pretty sure I can give you a tattoo. · I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to wear underwear on the inside. ·…
-
-
Where’s Your Sense of Humor? An award-winning author shares how to find humor in everything you write
Every year after winning the Pulitzer Prize for humor, I’m besieged with questions from new writers about how I went about writing my award-winning humor pieces. They run the gamut from “What in the world were you thinking?” to “Were you drunk when you wrote that?” So, to clear up the confusion, I thought I’d take a moment to offer a few suggestions on how to write stunning humor pieces, unlike anything people have seen before. What most non-writers don’t know is writing brilliant humor pieces is infinitely harder than writing non-fiction. The best humor pieces are steeped in research. For instance, my article, The Greatest Stories Never Told was…
-
We’ve Become Too Politically Correct! How Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs have pushed us over the edge
My tenth-grade science teacher was a short, ugly, middle-aged junkie who lived in the slums on the wrong side of town. But I’m not allowed to say that anymore. Instead, political correctness dictates that I write something like, “My high school pedagogue of advanced scientific theories was an unconventional-looking, vertically, and chronologically challenged male with a substance abuse dependency who lived in an economically deprived part of the propinquity. There. Does that sound better? Hmmm… Not to me. What set me off on this ridiculous diatribe was the deflating news that my favorite California ski resort is succumbing to pressure to change its name.[1] By the start of the next…
-
You Won’t Be Getting a Birthday Card From Me I just don’t have the time
Next to having a root canal or prostate exam, I can’t imagine anything more abhorrent than spending an hour standing in front of a sea of birthday cards, trying to decide on the one that best says, “Happy birthday, Mom!” It’s not the cost. After all, most greeting cards will only lighten your wallet by a few bucks. No, it’s dog-paddling through the overwhelming tsunami of listless verbiage that makes me wish I had followed through with that experimental corneal transplant, afterall. To be fair, greeting card makers do try to help by dividing them into sections like, “For Dads,” “Baby’s First Year,” and “Humorous.” They’re meant to make the…
-
Never Ask a Repairman What’s Wrong? They’re working hard to keep you in the dark
The dentist’s office is a place where I’ll go in for a simple tooth cleaning, and find out I need my entire jaw reconstructed. Plumbers have mastered the “long, slow whistle,” and auto mechanics are masters of, “Well, there’s good news and bad news.” Your computer repairman can lapse into a string of vernacular that would leave Stephen Hawking in the dust. The Ice Maker from Hell “Well, I can go ahead and connect the ice maker for you, but it’ll be expensive. When they delivered the refrigerator, they bent the female Stratten joint leading to the anode rod, causing the thermocoupler to rub against the angle stop.” “Now, I…