The Crustwood Gazette January 15, 2025 By Orville T. Pendergrass Published by The Crustwood Gazette Crustwood, Iowa In an unexpected announcement that left both experts and regular people equally bewildered, the Trump administration has unveiled a groundbreaking new federal agency: the Department of Unified Nuclear Transportation and Regulatory Infrastructure (DUNTRI). This bold fusion of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) and the Department of Transportation (DOT) aims to… well, something about streamlining radioactive logistics with enhanced regulatory coherence, or maybe vice versa. According to Dr. Thelma J. Splotnick, Professor of Applied Bureaucracy at the University of Greater Fargo, “This is a monumental step forward. Or backward. It’s hard to say without…
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Trump Administration Announces Bureau of Energy Housing and Livestock Stability “A Bold Creation”
The Toadspit Gazette February 7, 2025 By Percival H. Greeblethorpe Published by The Toadspit Gazette Toadspit, Nebraska In an unprecedented move designed to either streamline government operations or confuse everyone involved, the Trump administration has announced the formation of the Bureau of Energy, Housing, and Livestock Stability—a fusion of the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, with a surprise cameo by, you guessed it, livestock. “If we can harness cow body heat to power microwaves in urban apartments, then frankly, the future is udderly promising.” – Cletus Farnsworth Wimple According to the hastily typed press release, the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing…
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White House Lawncare Declares Independence Grass Left to Its Own Devices Amid Government Shutdowns
The Spudville Gazette February 7, 2025 By Hiram Thaddeus Greeble Published by The Spudville Gazette Spudville, Nebraska In a historic decision that left horticulturists scratching their heads and squirrels questioning their life choices, President Donald J Trump, following an unprecedented spree of shutting down the DOS, DOT, DOD, DOJ, DOI, USDA, DOC, DOL, HHS, HUD, DOT, DOE, ED, VA, DHS, CIA, EPA, FRS, FCC, FEC, FTC, GSA, NASA, NARA, NLRB, NSF, NRC, OPM, SBA, SSA, USAID, USPS, FBI, DEA, ATF, SS, USMS, SEC, CFTC, FDIC, EXIM, ODNI, NSA, DIA, USAID, ED, and FBI, has taken a bold new step by terminating all grounds maintenance for The White House. This critical…
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Trump’s Tactical Towel Toss A Gesture of Goodwill or a Missed Shot at Empathy?
The Prairie Gazette Press Release February 5, 2025 By Obadiah Claggett The Prairie Gazette Broken Fork, Nebraska In what can only be described as a “historically unprecedented combination of arm strength and public relations,” footage of President Donald Trump tossing paper towels into a crowd of hurricane survivors in Puerto Rico has once again resurfaced, igniting the same level of confusion, debate, and mild indigestion over his insensitivity with the Los Angeles wildfires as it did back in 2017. While some experts hail the moment as a rare display of upper-body athleticism by a sitting U.S. president, others argue that it represented a fundamental misunderstanding of both hurricane relief efforts…
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Urgent YEEHAW Press Release
The Raccoon Fork Tribune The Alarming Rise of Yawning Exacerbation and Exhalation Hiccup Anomaly (YEEHAW) January 30, 2025 By Buford Elmer Crutchfield Published by The Raccoon Fork Tribune Raccoon Fork, Iowa In what experts are calling “a condition of mild to moderate inconvenience,” a new neurological phenomenon has taken the world—well, at least parts of Raccoon Fork—by storm. Yawning Exacerbation and Exhalation Hiccup Anomaly (YEEHAW) is a recently identified disorder that causes afflicted individuals to experience an uncontrollable cycle of simultaneous yawning and hiccupping, leading to disorientation, awkward social interactions, and, in severe cases, complete loss of dignity. Dr. Horace Wilbur Pettigrew, a leading researcher in the field of Sudden…
