The Fried and the Furious State Fair Justice Comes for Leonardo DiCaprio This is Harrison Whitmore, reporting live from the Jefferson-Hawthorne Federal Courthouse in downtown Maplewood Falls, where the legal spectacle of the century has just commenced—the United States v. Leonardo DiCaprio. The charge? Improper Use of the State Fair Deep-Fried Food Allowance—a crime that has sent shockwaves through the culinary and legal communities alike. The prosecution alleges that DiCaprio, a known health-conscious eater, willfully disrespected the sacred rite of state fair indulgence by ordering a salad—yes, a salad—while standing mere feet from a Oreo Deep-fried Cookie stand. Inside this stately courthouse, decked in mahogany and the scent of impending…

Dear [Employee Name], Allow me to reach out individually to shower you with the deepest gratitude and appreciation imaginable for your unparalleled loyalty, impeccable punctuality, flawless reliability, dazzling adaptability, peerless work ethic, crystal-clear communication skills, brilliant problem-solving ability, awe-inspiring teamwork, flexibility, boundlessly positive attitude, consummate professionalism, unceasing initiative, self-motivation, breathtaking emotional intelligence, outstanding interpersonal skills, unwavering integrity, accountability and above all your hard work over the past thirty-five years. Indeed, such magnificence has rarely graced our humble workplace. Truly, you are beyond compare! Nevertheless, it pains me deeply to dare utter these terribly cruel words: your performance during the past ten days has seen a sharp decline, one too severe,…