My tenth-grade science teacher was a short, ugly, middle-aged junkie who lived in the slums on the wrong side of town. But I’m not allowed to say that anymore. Instead, political correctness dictates that I write something like, “My high school pedagogue of advanced scientific theories was an unconventional-looking, vertically, and chronologically challenged male with a substance abuse dependency who lived in an economically deprived part of the propinquity. There. Does that sound better? Hmmm… Not to me. What set me off on this ridiculous diatribe was the deflating news that my favorite California ski resort is succumbing to pressure to change its name.[1] By the start of the next…
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Zooming Toward the Olympic Games This year Olympic athletes will be making history by competing from the comfort of their own homes
Lausanne, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee has announced that in addition to banning all spectators in the upcoming Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan, they will be banning all athletes from competing, as well. At least from the traditional venues. Current IOC President Thomas Bach announced yesterday, “While we are still moving ahead with the XXXIII Summer Olympics in Tokyo, because of the threat of the covid disease, athletes from around the world will not be allowed to compete together as a group in Japan. Instead, they will participate in isolated Zoom sessions from the safety of their own living rooms while wearing personal protective equipment.” “At first, I was…
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I Only Have a Few Months to Live But my drooling has gotten much better!
Every morning before I open my eyes to the rest of the world, I convince myself this is the day I’m going to die. It has to be. Anyone who’s lived as crappy a life as I have is bound to be suffering from something that will fast track them to the pearly gates. But to get a better handle on my diminishing health, I need to diagnose everything that’s wrong with me, its severity, and compute exactly how long I have left to live. My last episode began with an innocuous pain on the inside of my cheek. By running the tip of my tongue over the affected area,…
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You Can Go to Hell And take my ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes with you
Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes. Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt? M: Yes, it’s right here. W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return? M: A bag of ice cubes. W: Did you buy the bag of iced cubes at a store or online? M: I bought it here. W: I see. Do you have the original packaging? M: Yes. It’s right here. W: Fine. I see the plastic bag, but where are the ice cubes? M: Well, they used to be here, but they’re gone now. W: What happened to…
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New Horizons in Weight Control Exciting inventions to help you lose weight without counting calories or going on a diet
During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of thrilling new products designed to help me lose weight. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet. They were still in the figment of someone’s imagination phase, based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, find four that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market. The Dieter’s Dam Like thousands of other couch potatoes struggling with their weight, I’ve tried everything: stomach stapling, diet pills, and even gone as far as trying to eat a…
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