The Crooked Corn Gazette February 10, 2025 By Delbert Orville Hickenlooper Published by The Crooked Corn Gazette Cobb Hollow, Missouri In what can only be described as a bold, visionary—or entirely baffling—move, the Trump administration has announced the creation of the Social Security and Explosives Administration (SSEA), an ambitious merger of the Social Security Administration (SSA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF). The new agency’s mission? “Ensuring stable retirement plans while regulating the responsible use of high-powered munitions.” At a press conference that featured patriotic bunting, inexplicable fog machines, and a senior choir singing “Born to Be Wild,” Acting Director Floyd Beauregard Slinkman declared, “We’re entering…
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Trump Administration Creates Department of Commerce-Based Emotional Stability and Agriculture Harmonization Bureau Trump’s New Agency Promises to Revolutionize Economic Mood Swings and Crop Diplomacy
The Pickle Junction Gazette February 11, 2025 By Clydus Thistlewhomp Published by The Pickle Junction Gazette Pickle Junction, Iowa In a bold move that’s leaving economists, farmers, and people who enjoy alphabet soup scratching their heads, the Trump administration has announced the formation of an unprecedented federal agency: the Department of Commerce-Based Emotional Stability and Agriculture Harmonization Bureau (DCBESAHB). This initiative will combine the vast, highly unrelated resources of the Department of Commerce and the Department of Agriculture to, allegedly, “stabilize national moods while ensuring corn knows it’s appreciated.” During a press briefing that lasted approximately 17 minutes longer than necessary, Acting Under-Assistant Deputy Liaison to the Subcommittee for Oblique…
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Trump Administration Introduces Department of Secret Service-Backed Small Business Advancement and Covert Entrepreneurship Bureau Strengthening National Security One Lemonade Stand at a Time
The Turnip Hollow Times February 11, 2025 By Merle Fiddlestitch Published by The Turnip Hollow Times Turnip Hollow, Missouri In a surprise announcement that left business owners and undercover agents equally perplexed, the Trump administration has unveiled its latest federal masterpiece: the Department of Secret Service-Backed Small Business Advancement and Covert Entrepreneurship Bureau (DSSSBACEB). This trailblazing new agency will combine the stealthy prowess of the United States Secret Service with the entrepreneurial spirit of the Small Business Administration, because apparently, nothing says “economic growth” like bulletproof vests and earpieces. At a press conference held inside a dimly lit strip mall parking lot, Acting Deputy Liaison of Redundant Departments, Percival Crankbucket,…
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Trump Administration Establishes The Department Of Intergalactic Agricultural Trade and Space-Based Crop Regulation Sowing The Seeds Of Tomorrow’s Cosmic Harvest, One Bureaucratic Form At A Time
The Corncob Chronicle February 11, 2025 By Percival J. Crumblethorpe Published by The Corncob Chronicle Spindle Fork, Iowa In a move hailed by some as “visionary” and by others as “possibly the result of a bad batch of astronaut ice cream,” the Trump administration has officially launched the Department of Intergalactic Agricultural Trade and Space-Based Crop Regulation (DIATSBCR). This new federal agency is the result of joining the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) with the Department of Agriculture (USDA), going boldly where no bureaucracy has gone before—straight into the final frontier of farming. According to the official statement, DIATSBCR’s mission is to “facilitate the sustainable growth, trade, and regulation…
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The Billion-Beat Club Exercise is the only thing that matters
Chapter One Forget Everything You Thought You Knew About Exercise Alright, I need you to hear me out, because what I’m about to say will probably ruffle some feathers. But that’s fine. Sometimes the truth stings, and frankly, it’s about time we all got a little uncomfortable. Exercise is the only thing that matters. Yeah, I said it. I’ll say it again if you need me to. Not love, not happiness, not stress management, not mindfulness, not even that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you watch videos of baby goats wearing pajamas. None of it. When you peel back all the layers, strip away the fluff, and really look…
