Finding accurate, easy-to-read information on the internet these days is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos. Sure, there are plenty of posts, tweets, threads, and AI-generated “expert” breakdowns—but how much of it is actually helpful? These days, everybody with a Wi-Fi connection and a ring light seems to think they’re a neurologist. And trying to understand something like Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia? Fuggedaboudit! It’s either written in dense medicalese only decipherable by ancient scholars of Gray’s Anatomy, or it’s so dumbed down, you walk away wondering what you just read.
So in a world where misinformation spreads faster than grandma’s secret chili recipe at a church potluck, I decided to do things a little differently. You know, inject some clarity, some research-backed facts, and—because you deserve to learn without falling asleep—more than a few laugh-out-loud moments. This isn’t your average clinical explanation, nor is it a TikTok moment about tau proteins. This is the slightly unhinged, scientifically accurate, and thoroughly entertaining ride through one of the most misunderstood conditions out there: Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia (bvFTD).
The Original Article
The original article I read was “Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia” written by the Memory and Aging Center at the Weill Institute for Neurosciences, University of California, San Francisco. It led off with:
People with Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia (bvFTD) often have trouble controlling their behavior. They may say inappropriate things or ignore other people’s feelings. bvFTD may affect how a person deals with everyday situations. bvFTD can also affect language or thinking skills. Unfortunately, people with bvFTD rarely notice these changes.
The cause of bvFTD is unknown. Scientists know that in bvFTD there is a large build-up of one of three kinds of protein within brain cells: tau, TDP-43, or fused-in sarcoma (FUS). These proteins occur normally, but we do not yet understand why they build up in large amounts. As more and more proteins form in brain cells, the cells lose their ability to function and eventually die. This causes the affected parts of the brain to shrink… yada-yada-yada.
While it was an interesting, tightly researched article, it was—how shall I say this—Boring. So with the help of generative AI (specifically ChatGPT) I’ve re-written UCSF’s original piece into two alternative articles that are bound to leave you informed, entertained, and more confused than you are now.
How the Article Should Have Been Written
Using Satirical Humor
Ah, the brain. That mushy, electrified cauliflower inside our heads that allegedly controls everything we do—until one day, it decides to go rogue like a malfunctioning Roomba. Enter Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia, or bvFTD, which is what happens when your frontal lobes decide they’re just not in the mood for social norms anymore.
You see, most of us rely on the frontal lobes for things like impulse control, logical decision-making, and not yelling “Hey, where’d you get that stupid haircut?” at strangers on the bus. But with bvFTD, that tiny, helpful voice in your head that says, “You moron! Stop licking that fire hydrant,” just packs its bags and vanishes, leaving behind a mental playground where absolutely anything goes.
Let’s say you’ve got an Uncle Jerry. Lovely guy. Used to be a tax accountant, wore nice sweaters, and always paid for dinner. Then bvFTD strolls in and suddenly, Uncle Jerry is stuffing breadsticks into his pockets at Olive Garden, and giving the waitstaff enthusiastic Nixon Victory Clasps.
Now, you might be thinking, “Okay, so he’s just quirky now.” Oh, friend. Quirky is when someone wears socks with cartoon characters on them. This? This is when a formerly mild-mannered individual starts enthusiastically eating spaghetti with pliers because “forks are tools of the devil.”
And their judgment? Gone. Just completely outsourced to the void. You ever seen someone try to buy a parrot from a Home Depot employee because their last name was “Byrd?” That’s the kind of decision-making we’re talking about.
Impulse control becomes a myth. Do they want something? They must have it, whether it’s a watermelon, an inflatable kiddie pool, or a legally questionable number of ferrets. One moment, they’re quietly watching TV. The next, they’ve bought 46 pounds of Gummy Bears with your credit card because the guy on TV said, “Hurry! Act Now! This deal ends in 15 minutes!”
At some point, language gets a little… creative. Sentences begin strong, full of confidence, only to derail spectacularly:
“I need to go to the—” they say, pointing toward the door.
“Yes?” you encourage.
“The place where the thing happens,” they continue.
“Uh… the store? The doctor? The—”
“YES! The thing! The thing with the things! And the people! Oh, never mind, I’ll just go sit in the bathtub instead.”
Then we have the grand tradition of food obsessions. You might walk into the kitchen and find your previously health-conscious mother spooning year-old Eggplant Puree directly into her mouth like she’s in a Nathan’s Hot Dog eating competition. Or maybe your dad, who never had a sweet tooth before, has just inhaled an entire sheet cake and is now searching for the next one like a lion skulking the savannah.
And what’s that? Repetitive behavior? Why, yes! bvFTD is known for it! Maybe Grandpa Lou now insists on wearing only his 1982 bowling league shirt and will physically wrestle anyone who suggests he switch to something not covered in mustard stains. Maybe he reads The Great Gatsby over and over, and no, he won’t accept that he already knows how it ends. Maybe he’s decided that every sentence should begin with “In my day, pigeons were a lot more ambitious…” and he will repeat this phrase forever.
Of course, all of this comes with a delightful disregard for personal boundaries. Your once-polite partner might start slapping strangers on their butts, giving long, soul-searching stares at Walmart cashiers, or attempting to high-five the police officer conducting their field sobriety test.
And if you thought that was the peak of the rollercoaster, buckle up, because now we enter the phase of accidental criminal behavior. bvFTD folks aren’t trying to break the law—it’s just that laws are merely existential constructs, and who has time for those? Maybe they “forget” to pay for items at the grocery store and walk out whistling. Maybe they think red lights at intersections are Christmas decorations. Or, they decide clothing is optional. Surprise! It’s not.
And here’s the kicker: the people with bvFTD are absolutely oblivious to all of this. While you’re bent over, desperately trying to wrestle a live lobster out of their hands because they think it’s their new pet, they are living their best life ever, fully convinced that you are the one who’s acting strangely.
So how do you handle it? Well, you start by locking up the credit cards before they decide they really need a collection of inflatable Sumo Wrestler Suits. You adjust, meaning you learn to accept that, yes, Grandma will only eat foods cut into Isosceles triangles. That’s just the world you now live in. And most importantly, you develop a sense of humor, because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry—and trust me, it’s way more fun when you just roll with it.
Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia
Explained Using the Mangled Wikipedia Interpretation
Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia (bvFTD), first discovered by the renowned 17th-century astronomer Sir Reginald Haversham du Fontaine III, is an absolutely baffling condition—not just in its symptoms, but in the way people continue to misunderstand its origins. Thanks in no small part to the rampant misinformation spread through social media by so-called “experts” who have clearly never read The Complete Works of Leonardo da Vinci on Brain Mysteries, a book that has never actually been written, but probably should.
bvFTD affects precisely 3.7% of the population and hits on the fifth Tuesday of every month. It’s caused by an excessive accumulation of proteins in the brain—tau, STP, and fused with something else, possibly Feta cheese. These proteins, first identified in the great protein rush of 1892, accumulate within the neural corridors of the cerebellular oblongata. As a result, individuals begin displaying what doctors describe as “daring behavioral innovations”—a delightful way of describing everything from naked pole dancing to spontaneous declarations of undying love to statues of Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of Wi-Fi.
Age and bvFTD
Historically, most individuals begin experiencing symptoms of bvFTD in their 50s, which is the natural age when the brain finally decides it’s fed up with life and mutters “I’m outa here.” However, symptoms have been recorded as early as human conception, similar to the case of Napoleon Bonapart’s half-brother, Cooter. On the other end of the spectrum, some individuals may not experience symptoms until the ripe old age of 147, as evidenced by the completely fabricated case of Duke Ferdinand von Möbius, who famously forgot he was alive until reminded of it by his butler.
Symptoms and Behavioral Changes
The symptoms of bvFTD are varied and deeply complex, ranging from minor quirks to “What in the name of Julius Caesar’s pet goldfish is going on here?” In the early stages, individuals may exhibit mild eccentricities, such as replacing all their living room furniture with inflatable pool toys or refusing to acknowledge the existence of Tuesdays. Over time, however, these symptoms can escalate into full-fledged behavioral recalibrations, a term I just invented but which should immediately be adopted by the medical profession. Other symptoms include:
- Apathy: The affected individual may stop engaging in daily tasks. This was first observed in 1843 when famed poet Percival Longbottom sat down to write a sonnet and didn’t move for the next six years.
- Impulsivity: Many patients become compulsive, engaging in behaviors such as collecting traffic cones, or yelling at inanimate objects. The Roman Emperor Caligula, for example, famously appointed his horse as a senator. A clear sign of early bvFTD.
- Dietary Fixations: The affected individual may refuse to eat anything that is not blue. This particular symptom was observed in the case of Johann von Schnitzel, a Bavarian noble who, in 1726, insisted that all his meals be painted with blueberry juice before consumption.
- Repetitive Behaviors: Individuals may develop a tendency to repeat phrases, actions, or entire personal histories. This is best exemplified by Winston Churchill, who—according to sources I just made up—gave the same speech 12 times in a row to the same audience before anyone realized what happened.
- Unfiltered Social Interactions: An individual may begin speaking their mind without a shred of social awareness. In 1942, Eleanor Roosevelt allegedly told a diplomat that his mustache resembled “a ferret in heat” before adding, “I am simply stating facts.”
- Criminal Behavior: The affected may become shoplifters, reckless drivers, or, in extreme cases, engage in such heinous acts as skipping ahead in a line without apologizing.
Diagnosis and Progression
A trained medical professional—or, failing that, a particularly nosy neighbor—can usually identify bvFTD using a simple questionnaire, or just good old-fashioned guesswork. As the disease progresses, one may notice additional changes, such as:
- The patient begins speaking in Mandarin Chinese.
- Insistence that everyone refer to them as “Your Majesty.”
- A newfound belief that they can communicate with their living in-laws.
Treatment and Management
While there is no known cure for bvFTD, treatments do exist. Medication, structured routines, and firmly reminding the affected person that they are not, in fact, an 18th-century pirate, have all been proven to help. Lifestyle changes, such as replacing all the mirrors in their house with motivational posters, can also ease their symptoms.
bvFTD was first noted in the Epic of Gilgamesh, in which the titular hero reportedly abandoned his quest for immortality after being distracted by a particularly interesting rock. While its symptoms can be challenging, society must remember that those affected by bvFTD are not confused, lost souls, but rather pioneers of unpredictability.
One can only hope that continued research will lead to a cure. Until then, society must remain vigilant, and if anyone notices a friend attempting to declare a loaf of sour dough bread as their new legal guardian, it may be time for an evaluation.
Final Thoughts
So, if you’ve been following along, the story of bvFTD isn’t just about neurons misfiring or behavior going off-script. It’s about what happens when your internal editor takes a smoke break and your personality decides it’s showtime. It’s the neurological equivalent of your brain yelling “YOLO!” before riding a unicycle through the library.
It’s frustrating, confusing, and, let’s face it, occasionally hilarious in the kind of way that makes you laugh, and then immediately question your life choices. But buried in the chaos is something strangely human: the reminder that our behavior is a fragile cocktail of biology, impulse control, and the invisible social contract that keeps us from licking strangers’ foreheads.
There’s no tidy bow on this one. No miracle fix. Just a condition that redefines “peculiar,” and teaches everyone involved the delicate art of rolling with the punches. With no rulebook and no brakes, sometimes the best you can do is hang on, hold your sense of humor tight, and learn to dance when the mangoes sing. Whatever that means.
“A conversation held upside-down often makes the most upright sense.”
— Tavros Elgenzi, the Obsidian Shores of Varkonos Bay
