March 18, 2025
By Orville Zebulon Witherspoon
The Broken Spoke Sentinel
Flatbottom, Nebraska
In a move that has left athletes, sports analysts, and dairy farmers equally bewildered, the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) announced today that starting in the 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympic Games, all aquatic events, including freestyle swimming, synchronized diving, and, water polo will be staged exclusively in pools filled with Jell-O™ Chocolate Pudding.
The decision, described by insiders as “either the most visionary sports innovation in history or an absolute train wreck waiting to happen,” was allegedly made to increase viewer engagement, and “reduce the risk of water-related injuries,” according to USOC spokesperson Mildred Eustace Butterfield.
Dr. Elbert Thaddeus Cramshaw, Professor of Competitive Dessert Physics at the University of Greater Kansas Panhandle, called the decision “a daring experiment in fluid dynamics,” noting, “Pudding has a unique viscosity that challenges traditional athletic expectations. The drag coefficient in a pudding-filled pool is about 8,000 times that of water, meaning a standard 100-meter freestyle swim can take upwards of 14 hours, if they make it at all.”
Some Olympic hopefuls have expressed concerns about the shift, particularly in events that require treading, floating or in the case of synchronized swimming, appearing on the surface for more than a few seconds at a time. Delores Murgatroyd Higglebotham, a three-time gold medalist in the backstroke and long-time opponent of confection-based athletics, stated, “It’s an insult to the integrity of the sport. Nobody trained for this! I certainly didn’t spend 15 years perfecting my flip turn just to get sucked into a pudding vortex, then disappear.”
Others, however, have embraced the challenge. Archibald Rufus Pendergast, a self-proclaimed “pudding immersion enthusiast” and adjunct faculty member at the Institute of Thick Liquids in South Dakota, sees potential benefits. “We’ve long been searching for ways to make competitive swimming more theatrical,” he explained. “Imagine the grandeur of a swimmer launching from the blocks, only to faceplant into a thick, chocolate abyss. There’s drama, there’s anticipation, there’s the ever-present possibility of delicious disaster.”
Meanwhile, the logistics of this transition remain hazy at best. Pudding procurement and disposal are among the top concerns, with reports indicating that major snack food corporations, including the Jell-O™ conglomerate, are positioning themselves for lucrative Olympic sponsorships. The USOC’s official statement suggests that a specially designed pudding filtration system is being built to maintain pool cleanliness, though details remain sparse, and many remain doubtful if such a system can be designed and built by the day of the opening ceremonies.
Nathaniel Cornelius Pugsley, a former Olympic lifeguard and now a self-described “Fluid Resistance Philosopher,” worries about the long-term ramifications. “First, it’s pudding. What’s next? Dill Pickle Wrestling? And another thing. Who’s going to save a drowning athlete? Lifeguards will need both spoons and a sense of humor.”
For those still confused about what this all means for the future of Olympic aquatic events, the answer remains unclear. Will athletes adapt to new methods of pudding self-propulsion? Will diving routines end with competitors being permanently lost in gelatinous goo? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the 2028 Los Angeles Games will be the messiest on record.
About the Author
Orville Zebulon Witherspoon is a two-time winner of the Nebraska Press Club’s Most Misguided Journalist Award. His past work includes When Geese Attack: The Untold Horror of Rural Parks, Corn Maze or Cult Ritual? One Man’s Journey into the Unknown, and The Great Prairie Dog Heist of ‘98. When not unraveling the absurdities of competitive sports, he enjoys the fine art of competitive butter churning and moonlighting as an amateur cryptozoologist, ever in pursuit of the of the elusive Appalachian Hooterbeast. He shares a cozy homestead with his wife, Tildaree, and their three rambunctious children—Boaz, Lulabelle, and Essie Mae.
Editorial Response to the editors
of The Broken Spoke Sentinel
by Roseanne Roseannadanna
Let me tell ya somethin’, I nearly choked on my tuna salad when I read this! Chocolate puddin’?! In the Olympics?! Are you kiddin’ me?! I mean, what are ya tryin’ to do, make me sick?! This has gotta be the most ridiculous, most absurd, most sticky idea I ever heard in my life! And I have heard some doozies, lemme tell ya.
First of all, who are these people makin’ these decisions?! What’s the matter with you?! You take a perfectly fine thing like swimming—a sport that requires actual water—and ya go, “Hey, ya know what this needs? More puddin’!” Are you outta your mind?! I don’t care what anybody says, this is how civilizations collapse.
Now, let’s talk logistics. Can you imagine Michael Phelps tryin’ to do the butterfly in a pool full of chocolate pudding?! Forget gold medals, he’s gonna need a rescue team with an industrial-sized ladle! And synchronized swimmers?! Unbelievable. Instead of their elegant routines, ya got six people flailing around like they fell into a vat at a chocolate factory. Mark my words, someone’s gonna disappear under the surface, and we ain’t never gonna see ‘em again. You think a triple gainer off the diving board is impressive? Try gettin’ outta that puddin’ before it hardens!
And don’t even get me started on water polo. Oh, for cryin’ out loud. That sport is already a mystery to me, and now you’re gonna have a bunch of guys on horseback—or whatever they do—tryin’ to whack a ball around in chocolate goo?! This ain’t sports anymore, this is dessert-based survival training.
Now, I know, I know. There’s always some wise guy sayin’, “Oh, but Roseanne, think of the sustainability! Think of the excitement!” Oh, gimme a break. The only thing this is sustainin’ is a whole new generation of confused lifeguards and traumatized snack lovers! Ya know what really gets me? The fact that somebody sat in a room, looked at the Olympics, and said, “Ya know what this needs? More viscosity.”
So, I says to myself, “Roseanne Roseannadanna, maybe you’re bein’ too harsh. Maybe you need to think about this from a different angle.” So, I do. And ya know what? It’s still a terrible idea! I mean, what’s next? Saltwater Taffy-covered wrestling mats?! Gymnastics into a pit of Junior Mints?! Long jumping into a pool of Skippy Extra-chunky Peanut Butter?! Don’t ask me why, but I almost lost it just thinkin’ about the possibilities.
Listen, I don’t care how they try to justify it. I don’t care what kind of “fluid resistance philosophers” or “competitive dessert physicists” they trot out to explain it. At the end of the day, sports should not require a spoon and a bib!
Anyway, thanks a lot for hearin’ me out. This whole thing drove me crazy, but I’ll tell ya the truth, I still love the Olympics. Ya know what I mean?
Roseanne Roseannadanna
Editorial Response to the Response
to the Esteemed Roseanne Roseannadanna
by Dr. Reginald Montague Fitzwilliam III
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
Allow me to extend my deepest gratitude for your spirited commentary on the groundbreaking, history-defining, and, dare I say, deliciously ambitious transformation of Olympic aquatic sports. As Professor of Snack Food Physiology and Biomechanics at the International Institute of Athletic Supremacy & Confectionary Engineering at Oxford-Harvard-Cambridge University, I feel it is my scholarly duty to address your concerns.
Madam, you cry “What are ya tryin’ to do, make me sick?!” but I must counter with, “What are we trying to do? We are trying to revolutionize sport as we know it!”
We stand at the precipice of human history, gazing over the edge, and instead of diving into a dull, predictable, chlorine-scented abyss, we are splashing boldly into a silky, cocoa-infused wonderland of innovation!
I understand your concerns, truly, I do. You claim that the viscosity of chocolate pudding will hinder performance, but I assure you, this is precisely the point! The very foundations of competition rest upon challenge and adversity, and what greater test of an athlete’s willpower, endurance, and core strength than navigating through a rich, dessert-based hydrosphere?
You scoff at water polo in pudding, but I urge you—imagine the thrill! No longer will the sport be plagued by its most persistent flaw: no one being able to see what’s actually happening underwater. Now, athletes will struggle valiantly on the surface, their every move visible, their muscles pushing through the luscious resistance.
And synchronized swimming? Ah, my dear Ms. Roseanne Roseannadanna, think of the artistic spectacle! No longer will these disciplined performers be merely dancing on water. They will be emerging in triumphant slow motion from waves of creamy indulgence, like Venus from the half-shell, but with better snack appeal!
You worry about the flip turn. I say, why should the flip turn remain static? Must we always be shackled to the arbitrary dictates of aquatic movement as dictated by fluid dynamics?! No! This is an era of new frontiers! We shall develop pudding propulsion techniques, training athletes in the fine art of splashless, ripple-resistant movement through dense, sugary resistance.
Of course, safety is paramount. You fear that swimmers will become trapped beneath the surface, swallowed by a nefarious pudding vortex. Well, I assure you, the USOC has spared no expense in researching advanced pudding aeration technology. A comprehensive “Bubble Jet Dispersion System” will keep the pudding suitably aerated, ensuring that our athletes can breathe freely as they bravely navigate the custard currents!
And let’s not forget the economic benefits! The Olympic Games have always been about innovation, spectacle, and corporate sponsorship. This transition opens the doors for previously untapped financial partnerships! Just picture it: gold medal moments brought to you by Jell-O Chocolate Pudding™, and the fine chocolatiers of Belgium!
So, my dear Ms. Roseanne Roseannadanna, I implore you. Embrace the future! You may scoff today, but I guarantee that when the 2028 Games arrive and the world witnesses the first-ever flawlessly executed quadruple backflip into pudding, landing with a slow, glorious sink into a pool of chocolate dreams, you will weep. You will stand in awe. And you will ask yourself: Why did we ever settle for mere water?
Respectfully yours,
Dr. Reginald Montague Fitzwilliam III
Professor of Snack Food Physiology & Biomechanics
International Institute of Athletic Supremacy & Confectionary Engineering
Oxford-Harvard-Cambridge University
