Original Premise: Titanic (1997) – “I’ll Never Let Go”
As Jack slowly sinks into the freezing Atlantic, Rose clings to him before finally letting go, leaving audiences devastated and debating whether or not there was room on that door.
Opening Scene
A vast, icy expanse. The remains of the HMS Titanic bob in the water as Jack clings to the edge of a massive wooden door, his lips bluer than a New York cab driver’s language. Rose lies comfortably atop the door, drier than a sandwich.
The orchestra continues floating nearby, still playing, their instruments now replaced with various species of fish.
Jack: Rose, I… I don’t think I’m gonna make it.
Rose: Don’t be silly, Jack. You’re doing great. You look like a popsicle, but everybody loves popsicles.
Jack shivers so hard he creates a small tsunami.
Jack: Rose, there’s… there’s room for me on the door.
Rose: What size suit did you say you wear?
Jack: 40 long.
Rose glances down at the door, then at Jack, then at the door again. She grabs a tape measure from out of nowhere, measures the door, calculates something on her slide rule, then shakes her head.
Rose: Sorry, Jack. The numbers say no.
Jack weakly reaches for the door, but Rose nonchalantly swats his hand away like a dead carp.
Jack: Rose, you’ve got to get me to a hospital.
Rose: A hospital? What is it?
Jack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
Rose nods solemnly, then checks her pocket watch.
Rose: Yeah, we’re almost at the end of the movie. I’d estimate you’ve got about—hmmm—five minutes left, tops.
Jack groans.
Jack: So, this is it, huh?
Rose: Afraid so.
Jack: You won’t forget me, will you?
Rose: Jack, how could I? You’re the only man I’ve ever met who thought “let’s steal a car on a cruise ship” was a good idea.
Jack smiles weakly.
Jack: I love you, Rose.
Rose pats his head like he’s a golden retriever.
Rose: I know. You’re a good boy.
Jack closes his eyes dramatically. He takes one final breath, then promptly sinks like an anchor on the, well… Titanic.
Rose watches him go, then gasps in horror. He forgot to give his ATM pin to her.
She grabs a nearby rescue boat and turns it over. On the underside is a giant, bold sticker that reads: “WARNING: DOORS FLOAT BETTER THAN UPSIDE DOWN RESCUE BOATS”.
Rose: …Oh.
She shrugs, then whistles casually as she paddles away.
Denouement and Closing Scene
Flash-forward.
Years later, Rose now 200 years old, stands underwater on the sunken Titanic’s deck. She clutches the priceless Heart of the Ocean necklace—a jewel worth Kazillions!
She admires it for a long moment, then casually tosses it away into the sea like a half-eaten granola bar.
The camera follows the necklace as it just floats in the water, going nowhere.
Five hours later, it lands right into Jack’s outstretched, frozen hand.
Jack, now fully encased in ice, blinks.
Jack: Cool!
Next up: Alien Chestburster Chaos
