Original Premise: Gladiator (2000) – “Are You Not Entertained?”
Fresh from brutally dispatching his opponents in the Colosseum, Maximus taunts the stunned Roman audience, demanding acknowledgment of his violent spectacle.
Opening Scene
The Colosseum, a massive stone arena, echoes with cheers, gasps, and one guy selling hardboiled grapes. The sun glares down on the sand-covered battlefield where Maximus, clad in battered armor, wearing a pair of Gucci Square Sunglasses, stands over several very dead guys. Blood drips from his sword, but his hair remains perfectly coiffed.
The crowd is silent, staring at him with mild confusion.
Maximus: Are you not entertained?!
Silence.
Maximus: C’mon now. Are you not entertained?
A lone vendor in the stands raises a hesitant hand.
Vendor: I mean, I thought it was…OK.
Maximus: OK? OK?! I just disemboweled four guys! That last one, I ripped his arm off and used it to slap the other guy. What more do you people want?
Senator Gracchus: Well, as long as we’re being honest, I thought the whole thing lacked pacing, a unique and marketable concept, strong storytelling structure, compelling characters, emotional impact, snappy authentic dialogue, a clear target audience and genre, budget feasibility, strong visual and cinematic appeal, commercial viability and franchise potential, passion and writer’s voice. And the second decapitation felt… unnecessary.
Maximus: Unnecessary?! Are you hearing yourself right now? That was a callback to the first decapitation! That’s called storytelling!
Senator Gracchus: A callback? Oh, my apologies, I must have missed the nuanced subtlety of a severed head doing a triple backflip before landing in someone’s lap.
Maximus: Exactly! You see, in Act One, a head rolls left. In Act Three, a head rolls right. That’s symmetry! That’s poetry! That’s narrative structure!
Senator Gracchus: Oh yes, the ancient art of “Heads and Tails.” Truly, Cicero would be weeping.
Maximus: Weeping? Of course! That’s pathos! It’s a tragedy! It’s—
Senator Gracchus: It’s an execution, Maximus! It’s not interpretive dance! You don’t need a second decapitation just because the first one tested well with the audience!
Maximus: Oh, oh, I see! So we just ignore audience engagement now? We just throw structure out the window? First, it’s “too many decapitations,” then it’s “Do we really need lions?” Before you know it—BOOM! No more colosseum!
Senator Gracchus: No more colosseum? Don’t be ridiculous. The Colosseum is a timeless institution! People love it!
Maximus: And do you know why? Because we give them what they want! Spectacle! Drama! The unexpected!
Senator Gracchus: Unexpected? Maximus, the moment that poor man’s head left his shoulders, I could practically hear the sequel being greenlit!
Maximus: And we haven’t even gotten to the third decapitation yet.
Senator Gracchus: Third?
Maximus: It’s in the script.
A head rolls by in the foreground, followed by a scream.
Senator Gracchus: Oh for Jupiter’s sake!
Maximus: Now that… is storytelling.
Spectator: It just… it just didn’t have heart, you know?
Maximus: Didn’t have—I yelled dramatically! What more do you want from me?!
A Centurian steps forward.
Centurian: Listen, it’s not bad, per se, but we’ve seen this all before. You fight. You win. You glare into the middle distance like a man who just remembered he left the oven on. It’s all so predictable.
Maximus: Predictable?! Okay, okay, fine. You want unpredictable? Watch this.
Maximus grabs three swords from the ground, juggles them for a moment, then flips them into the air. They land point-first into the sand.
Maximus: Boom. Didn’t see that coming, did you?
More silence.
A small child in the stands looks up at his father.
Child: Daddy, is this what people did before TikTok?
Father: It was a simpler time.
A trumpet blast suddenly sounds. An announcer steps into the arena, reading from a very long scroll.
Announcer: Due to complaints from the audience, the event organizers have requested additional entertainment. Presenting… the Colosseum’s first-ever halftime show!
A trapdoor in the arena floor opens. A chorus line of lions prances out, each wearing a top hat and tuxedo. Music begins playing “If You Could See Me Now” as the lions break into a Broadway-style dance routine. The crowd erupts in applause.
Maximus: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Commodus: (Standing smugly in his royal box). Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Maximus. It’s called show business.
A lion does a triple backflip. Another juggles torches. The lead lion walks up to Maximus.
Lead Lion: Tough crowd, eh?
Maximus: You… you talk?
Lead Lion: Oh, sorry. Did I ruin the realism of the guy fighting in a dirt pit for public amusement?
Maximus: This is insane.
Lead Lion: Hey, I’m not the one screaming at a crowd about whether they’re entertained. Now, are you gonna finish your show or what?
The crowd chants, growing louder.
Crowd: LIONS! LIONS! LIONS!
Maximus sighs, then turns dramatically.
Maximus: Fine. But I’m gonna need a raise and a bigger sword.
Denouement and Closing Scene
Maximus, now wearing a diamond-studded headband and sequined cape, performs a synchronized swordfight routine alongside the lions. Commodus throws popcorn at the stage in frustration.
As the crowd roars in disapproval, Maximus lowers his sword, looks up at the sky, and sighs deeply.
Maximus: My ancestors are watching from Elysium… and boy, are they pissed!
End of scene
