Original Premise: Scarface (1983) – “Say Hello to My Little Friend!”
Tony Montana, armed with a grenade-launching rifle, takes on an army of assassins in an explosive, over-the-top final stand that became an instant classic.
Opening Scene
Tony Montana stands at the top of his grand staircase, sweat glistening under the chandelier made out of old taco shells. Behind him, his massive desk is cluttered with stacks of half-used ketchup and mustard packets, a container of French fries, and a prominently displayed sign behind his desk that reads, “No Food Fights Allowed”—which is routinely ignored.
The mansion is under siege. Outside, a squad of rival cafeteria workers storms the gates. A neon sign on the lawn reads, “Welcome, Opponents! Free Pudding Cups While Supplies Last.” A polka band plays ominously in the background.
A helicopter hovers above, its spotlight scanning the house. Inside, a butler calmly wipes mashed potatoes off a priceless statue of Tony giving himself a high-five.
Tony grips his double-barreled whipped cream launcher, pointing it at the invading fast food warriors.
Tony: Say hello to my little friend!
He pulls the trigger. Instead of an explosive blast, a loud ragtime voice belts out:
Canister: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!
Tony: Holy guacamole!
He tosses the launcher aside and grabs a different one from a rack labeled “For When Things Get Extra Saucy.” This time, an explosion of Tapatío Hot Sauce flies across the room. A goon gets launched through a plate glass window labeled “Break Only in Case of Food Fights.”
Front Lawn
Assassins dive for cover as hot globs of mashed potatoes and coleslaw whizzes past their heads. One opponent, adjusting his tie, flips through a fresh copy of “Food Fight Quarterly.”
Opponent #1: You think he’s got enough ammo?
Opponent #2: You ever seen a man with too much coleslaw?
Opponent #1: Once. He didn’t last long.
Inside the mansion, Tony reloads by refilling his Mac ‘n Cheese launchers. The butler strolls through the chaos, completely unbothered.
Butler: Sir, your order is ready.
Tony: Surely, you can’t be serious. Do you expect me to eat at a time like this?
Butler: But sir, it’s a shrimp cocktail. And don’t call me Shirley.
Tony grabs a shrimp, dips it in sauce, then hurls it like a throwing knife at an incoming attacker.
The Helicopter
A sniper takes position. The pilot, adjusting his headset, squints at the mansion.
Pilot: We’ve got eyes on the target.
Co-pilot: Should we fire?
Pilot: Not yet. I want to see how this plays out.
Suddenly, a strategically-aimed glob of creamed corn splatters across the windshield. The helicopter wobbles.
Co-pilot: We’re losing altitude. We’re goin’ down!
Pilot: How bad is it?
Co-pilot: Let’s just say if we were any lower, we’d need a snorkel.
The helicopter spirals out of control, crashing into a billboard that reads: “Ask Your Doctor if Food Fights Are Right for You!”
Back Inside the Mansion
The food fight warriors keep flooding in. Tony, running out of mashed potatoes, flips open his desk drawer. Inside is a single piece of paper labeled “Open in Case of Emergency.”
He tears it open. It says: “Run.”
Tony: I really need a better plan.
The opponents take aim. Tony backs up against the wall, gripping an empty bottle of chocolate syrup.
Tony: Hey, fellas, you ever seen a grown man covered in pudding? You ever seen an avocado naked?
The entire mansion once again erupts into a tidal wave of coleslaw and spaghetti noodles.
Outside
Tony emerges from the wreckage of his mansion, completely unharmed, now inexplicably wearing a pristine tuxedo and holding a perfectly balanced plate of nachos.
A limousine pulls up. The driver, wearing sunglasses, rolls down the window.
Driver: Your getaway car, sir.
Tony stares at him, shrugs, and climbs in. The limo peels off as the food warriors watch in stunned silence.
Denouement and Closing Scene
Opponent #4: So… we’re just letting him go?
Opponent #5: Yeah. They might want to do a sequel.
The camera slowly zooms out. A river of gravy and cranberry sauce oozes out of the mansion for no logical reason. A neon sign flickers in the smoky aftermath:
“Under New Management—Now Serving Breakfast All Day.”
Next up: Soaking Private Ryan
