Original Premise: Reservoir Dogs (1992) – The “Stealers Wheel” Torture Scene
Michael Madsen’s Mr. Blonde dancing gleefully to Stealers Wheel while torturing a cop is a perfect blend of dark humor and Tarantino’s signature tension.
Opening Scene
A dimly lit warehouse. The air is thick with tension and the scent of questionable decisions. A single radio sits on a wooden crate, playing Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle with You.” The floor is a mix of sawdust, spilled coffee, and shattered dreams.
Mr. Vermilion stands near the tied-up cop, dancing with the grace of a man who has never taken a single dance lesson in his life. The cop, Officer Nash, is duct-taped to a K-Mart beach chair, watching in confused terror. Mr. Periwinkle and Mr. Goose Turd Green stand in the background, arguing over something unrelated.
Mr. Vermilion: You know, I read somewhere that sharks don’t actually like the taste of humans.
Officer Nash: That’s… nice.
Mr. Vermilion: Yeah. So if you ever get attacked by one, just tell it, “Hey, I’m not tasty,” and it’ll probably leave you alone.
Officer Nash: I feel like that’s not how sharks work.
Mr. Vermilion: Oh, so now you’re an ichthyologist?
Mr. Vermilion pulls out a pair of pruning shears and flicks them open. The shears gleam under the single hanging lightbulb, which flickers ominously for dramatic effect.
Mr. Periwinkle: (in the background) I’m telling you, “irregardless” is not a real word.
Mr. Goose Turd Green: It’s in the dictionary!
Mr. Periwinkle: So is “unputdownable.” That doesn’t make it right.
Mr. Vermilion twirls the pruning shears between his fingers like a magician with no sense of safety. He steps toward Officer Nash, then stops.
Mr. Vermilion: You ever think about how weird ice cubes are?
Officer Nash: I’d rather think about literally anything else.
Mr. Vermilion: I mean, it’s just water, but colder. That’s crazy.
A long pause.
Officer Nash: Please don’t kill me.
Mr. Vermilion: Relax. I’m not gonna kill you. Just… permanently inconvenience you.
Mr. Vermilion raises the shears, then suddenly drops them as the radio crackles and an ad plays.
Radio Announcer: Are you tired of the same old breakfast? Try Larry’s Pancake Warehouse! All-you-can-eat stacks for just $4.99!
Mr. Vermilion freezes.
Mr. Vermilion: Hold up. Four ninety-nine?
Officer Nash: What?
Mr. Vermilion: That’s a steal.
Mr. Goose Turd Green: (yelling) I told you guys! Larry’s has the best deals in town!
Mr. Periwinkle: But their syrup selection is contemptible.
Mr. Vermilion sighs, picks up his pruning shears, and turns back to Officer Nash.
Mr. Vermilion: Alright, where were we? Oh, right. Inconveniencing you.
Before he can move, the warehouse door bursts open. A man in a full clown costume stumbles in, holding a balloon animal and looking lost.
Clown: Oh. Is this not Timmy’s birthday party?
A long silence.
Mr. Vermilion: …What?
Clown: Look, my GPS was being weird. One minute I’m headed to Chuck E. Cheese, the next thing I know, I’m standing at an imminent crime scene.
Officer Nash: Please help me.
Clown: Oh wow, this really isn’t Timmy’s birthday party.
Denouement and Closing Scene
The clown slowly backs out, honking his nose as he exits. Mr. Vermilion watches, momentarily unsure of what just happened.
The radio clicks back on.
Radio Announcer: Larry’s Pancake Warehouse—where the syrup is optional, but the regret is free!
Mr. Vermilion sighs, pockets his pruning shears, and turns to the others.
Mr. Vermilion: You guys wanna get pancakes?
Mr. Goose Turd Green and Mr. Periwinkle nod.
Officer Nash: What about me?
Mr. Vermilion: Oh. Right. Uh… we’ll bring you back a Madagascar Leaf-Tailed Gecko bag.
Officer Nash: What is it?
Mr. Vermilion: It’s a bag for leftovers. But we don’t have time for that now.
They exit, leaving Officer Nash alone. The radio keeps playing.
Officer Nash: This is the dumbest day of my life.
Fade to black.
Next up: No Country for Old Hemorrhoids
