Original Premise: The Ten Commandments (1956) – The Parting of the Red Sea
Moses raising his staff and commanding the Red Sea to part, creating towering walls of water for the Israelites to escape Pharaoh’s army, is one of the most awe-inspiring moments in cinematic history.
Opening Scene
The sun blazes down upon the desert. The Israelites stand at the edge of the Red Sea, staring at the endless expanse of water, sweating profusely. Behind them, the Pharaoh’s chariots thunder closer, kicking up a dust cloud so large it’s identified as an official weather pattern.
Moses, his beard flowing majestically in the wind (despite the absence of wind), grips his staff and stands before the sea. Aaron nervously flips through a hastily written scroll labeled “Emergency Sea-Parting Instructions.”
Aaron: So, just to be clear, you’ve done this before?
Moses: Oh yeah. All the time.
Aaron: Right. Because it says here this only works with a valid permit.
Moses: Do I look like I have time for bureaucracy?
The water remains still. The Israelites shift uncomfortably. The sea gurgles once. A single fish leaps out, lands on the sand, flip-flopping dramatically.
Aaron: Maybe it’s broken.
Moses: It’s the Red Sea. It doesn’t break.
Aaron: Maybe it’s on strike.
The Egyptian army grows closer. Chariots roll forward at increasing speed. A man in the crowd holds up a sign that reads, “Honk if you love deliverance!”
Moses sighs, lifts his staff high above his head, and slams it down. Thunder rumbles. The sea begins to churn violently. A low, eerie hum fills the air. Suddenly, two massive walls of water split and rose into the sky, forming a perfect pathway straight through the sea.
The crowd gasps.
Aaron: You sure this is safe?
Moses: Safer than waiting for those guys, that’s for sure.
A single Hermit Crab remains suspended in midair between the parted waves, confused and terrified. In the background, a poorly written sign on the ocean floor reads, “Now Entering the Red Sea – No Swimming Without a Signed Will & Testament.”
The Israelites hesitate.
Aaron: Maybe we should wait for a second opinion.
Moses: Second opinions are for when your doctor diagnoses you with hemorrhoids. Move!
The crowd rushes forward, stampeding through the pathway. A child drops a toy camel, which is immediately snatched up by a Hermit Crab.
The Egyptian army arrives at the shore. The Pharaoh, dressed in full battle armor and holding a gilded whip, surveys the scene. His chariot driver glances at him.
Chariot Driver: So… uh… follow them?
Pharaoh: What do you think?
Chariot Driver: Into the towering, unnatural, defying walls of water?
Pharaoh: Are you questioning my divine wisdom?
Chariot Driver: No, I’m questioning your knowledge of physics.
Pharaoh snaps his fingers. The army charges into the passage. The horses neigh in protest. Nearby fish slap the chariot drivers’ faces as they pass by.
Aaron: So, uh, what’s the plan once we get across?
Moses: Keep walking. Don’t look back. And don’t take any selfies.
They reach the far shore. The last Israelite stumbles out, just as Pharaoh’s chariots reach the center of the pathway.
Moses raises his staff.
Aaron: Wait! Maybe they just wanted to join us!
Moses: They’re holding swords.
Aaron: Maybe they’re just really bad at expressing their feelings?
Moses slams his staff down. The towering walls of water collapse. The Egyptian army is swallowed whole, their chariots spinning wildly as they vanish beneath the waves.
A moment of silence. Then, a single Egyptian soldier washes up on shore, blinking in confusion.
Soldier: I knew the temp agency made a mistake sending me here.
Denouement and Closing Scene
The Israelites cheer. A spontaneous festival breaks out. Someone pulls out a tambourine. Moses takes a deep breath, wipes his brow, and turns to Aaron.
Moses: Alright, what’s next?
Aaron: Uh… forty years of misguided wandering.
A long pause.
Moses: Fantastic.
Next up: Reservoir Mutts
