Original Premise: Gone with the Wind (1939) – “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn”
Rhett Butler’s parting words to Scarlett O’Hara remain one of the most famous movie lines ever, delivering the perfect gut-punch to a long, tumultuous romance.
Opening Scene
Rhett Butler Leaves Scarlett O’Hara
Description
The grand staircase of Tara looms in the background, its once-pristine white now carrying the faint stain of regret and the scorch marks from years of Scarlett O’Hara’s uncontrolled flatulence. A storm rages outside, though inside, an entirely different atmospheric disturbance is brewing—one that needs no lightning to announce its presence.
Rhett Butler stands at a distance by the door, suitcase in hand, wearing a N95 Mask, his hat tilted just enough to let everyone know he means business. Scarlett O’Hara, breathless, draped in what was once a curtain and now an alleged designer gown, reaches out to clutch his arm. A nearby potted plant wilts, and finally keels over and dies from respiratory failure.
The butler—who has stationed himself near an open window for survival—clears his throat, though whether from emotion or out of necessity remains unclear.
Dialogue
Scarlett O’Hara: Rhett, you can’t leave me!
Rhett Butler: Scarlett, I can and I will. Unlike your last three husbands, I value my respiratory system.
Scarlett O’Hara: Surely you can’t be serious!
Rhett Butler: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
A gust of what could be a gust of wind—but the origination suggests otherwise. The flames of every candle in the room flicker violently. A pigeon caught in mid-flight suddenly reverses direction, slamming into the chandelier with a quiet thud.
Scarlett O’Hara: I can change!
Rhett Butler: The only thing you’ve changed is the air quality in this house, and not for the better.
Scarlett O’Hara: That’s slander!
Rhett Butler: No, that’s a public health hazard.
Another low, ominous rumble from Scarlett’s digestive tract fills the air. The butler pulls a handkerchief over his nose, gasping for oxygen. A portrait of Scarlett’s father is horrified and tilts, as if recoiling.
Scarlett O’Hara: What will I do without you, Rhett?
Rhett Butler: Open a window, for starters.
Scarlett gasps, which only makes things worse.
A messenger boy bursts in, eyes watering from the stench, hands Scarlett a wedding invitation with her name already printed on it, then flees with his life still intact.
Scarlett O’Hara: It’s just a preliminary invitation!
Rhett Butler: And this was just preliminary asphyxiation.
He takes a step back, putting more distance between them, but it’s clear it’s not enough.
Scarlett O’Hara: What’s more important than love?
Rhett Butler: Being able to breathe without supplemental oxygen.
Scarlett O’Hara: But where will you go?
Rhett Butler: Maybe the summit of Mount Everest. Anywhere but here.
A distant rumble. A candle dies out. The butler checks his blood pressure.
Scarlett O’Hara: You’ll regret this!
Rhett Butler: I regret staying this long.
Scarlett O’Hara: If you walk out that door, you’ll never see me again!
Rhett Butler: That’s the goal, Scarlett.
Scarlett O’Hara: You don’t mean that!
Rhett pauses, inhales through his mouth to avoid further exposure, and sighs.
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Scarlett O’Hara: You gave a damn yesterday!
Rhett Butler: Yesterday, I still had my sense of smell.
With a final, resolute tilt of his hat, Rhett steps into the night, disappearing into the mist—which is, as usual, fresher than the air inside. A poorly timed lightning bolt illuminates his escape route.
Denouement and Closing Scene
Scarlett stands motionless, watching the door as if willing Rhett to return. The silence is deafening. Until a final, triumphant, and reverberating toot shakes the room, its origins unmistakable. The butler finally faints.
Scarlett O’Hara sighs dramatically, placing a delicate hand on her hip.
Scarlett O’Hara: Oh well… tomorrow’s another day.
A once-elegant sofa in the corner, having held on as long as it could, finally gives up and dissolves into a pile of disintegrating fuzz.
Next up: The Zucchini Hunter
