Original Premise: King Kong (1933) – Kong vs. the Biplanes
Perched atop the Empire State Building, Kong swats at attacking planes before tumbling to his death, a tragic ending to cinema’s first great monster love story.
Opening Scene
The Empire State Building looms against the night sky, its lights flickering from the sheer amount of screaming, panicking people running below. At the very top, King Kong clings to the antenna like a kid who climbed too high on a jungle gym and immediately regretted it.
A gust of wind ruffles his fur. He scratches his head, wondering how exactly he got there. His massive fingers, still clutching Ann Darrow, tighten slightly. She sighs, looking down at the city, unfazed at this point.
Ann: Kong, don’t you think you could be overcompensating?
Kong grunts.
The distant sound of propellers grows louder. A squadron of biplanes cuts through the sky, heading straight for the big guy. A billboard behind them reads: “Visit New York! No Giant Apes, We Swear.” The “No” flickers ominously.
Pilot 1: Alright, men, we’re here to neutralize the threat.
Pilot 2: We’re shooting at a monkey. This is my life now?
Pilot 3: Does anyone else find it weird that we’re using biplanes in the year 1933?
Pilot 1: Shut up and aim.
The planes start their attack run. Machine guns fire, riddling the air with bullets. Kong swats wildly, barely missing one of the planes.
Pilot 3: Whoa! That was close!
Pilot 2: How close was it?
Pilot 3: Let’s put it this way—if I had ordered soup, I’d no longer have soup.
Kong roars in frustration and grabs a passing plane out of midair. He shakes it like an old soda can before tossing it over his shoulder. The plane plummets, landing softly at a nearly airport called “The Amelia Earhart Retirement Home for Old Bi-planes.”
Ann: (rolling her eyes) You ever consider just letting me down gently? Maybe, I don’t know, taking a nap instead of battling the entire United States Army Air Force?
Kong grumbles and shrugs, nearly losing his grip on the antenna. A neon sign reading “WORLD’S TALLEST BUILDING!” suddenly flickers out.
More bullets fly. Kong winces. The wounds are starting to take their toll. He slaps another plane, sending it spinning toward a rooftop where a group of pigeons watches in disapproval. One pigeon shakes its head and flies away.
Pilot 1: He’s slowing down! Keep firing!
Pilot 2: What’s the plan if he doesn’t fall?
Pilot 1: We move to New Jersey and deny the whole thing.
Kong lets out a final groan. He sways. His grip slips. Ann lets out a gasp as he tips forward, his massive body beginning the slow-motion descent toward the streets below.
Ann: Oh, come on. Isn’t that just a little dramatic?
Kong falls. The wind rushes past him. Somewhere in the background, a newspaper boy yells, “EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT—” only to be cut off as a mailbox lands on top of him, shaken loose by the impact.
Down, down, down Kong goes, past the floors of the Empire State Building. Inside an office, three oblivious businessmen on a speaker phone yammer away.
Businessman: Look, I need those stocks moved by Monday—
Kong’s massive face appears outside the window for a brief moment before continuing downward.
Businessman: (pausing) Huh. Another falling ape. Now, like I was saying…
Kong crashes to the ground with an earth-shaking Schplomph! Dust rises. Silence follows. A small bird lands on his foot looks around, then casually flies away.
Denouement and Closing Scene
A crowd gathers around the fallen beast. Reporters push their way forward, snapping photos. A police officer scratches his head while looking at a notepad, unsure what to write under “Cause of Death.”
Police Chief: We won’t know for sure what the cause of death was until the coroner completes his autopsy.
Carl Denham steps forward to the police officer, dramatically adjusting his hat.
Carl: It wasn’t the airplanes. It was beauty that killed the beast.
A long silence.
Random Guy in the Crowd: I’m pretty sure it was the airplanes.
Another Guy: Yeah, I saw like twelve of them shooting him.
Carl: Look, can I just have a moment? Sheesh!
Next up: The Ex-Terminator
