Original Premise: Alien (1979) – The Chestburster Scene
A quiet meal among the crew turns into pure horror as an alien creature violently erupts from Kane’s chest. The shock, the gore, and the sheer terror made this an all-time great.
Opening Scene
A dimly lit mess hall aboard the spaceship Nostromo. The crew sits around a steel table, eating a meal that looks suspiciously like 1978 high school cafeteria food.
Kane chews with great enthusiasm, despite everyone else eying his food suspiciously.
Dallas: So, Kane, how’s the stomach? Feeling better?
Kane: Oh yeah, much better. You know, just your standard violent space illness followed by sudden and complete recovery. Classic thing.
Ripley: That’s not a thing.
Parker: Hey, let the man enjoy his meal. This might be the last hot food we—
Suddenly Kane starts choking and gripping his chest as if a tax auditor showed up unannounced on his wedding night.
Lambert: Kane, are you okay?!
Knocking over everyone’s drinks, a nearby cat, Jonesy, watches indifferently.
Ash: He’s convulsing! We have to get this man to Orbitcare!
Parker: Orbitcare? What is it?
Ash: It’s a big floating medical facility with patients, but that’s not important right now
Kane suddenly stops shaking, looks up, and takes a deep breath.
Kane: Phew. False alarm. I thought I was dying, but turns out I just ate too fast. You ever swallow Thermostabilized Beef in zero gravity? Feels like—URRRK!
Kane convulses as a tiny alien bursts out of his chest, screeches, and dramatically stretches like a man waking up from a 12-hour nap.
Ripley: Okay, I know that’s not normal.
Dallas: Yeah, that seems weird.
Kane looks down at the alien in his chest, blinking.
Kane: Sooo, I assume this is covered under the company’s health insurance?
Ash: Only if you filled out Form 7B-92B for pre-existing conditions before we left Earth.
Kane goes completely limp. The chestburster looks around, nods politely, and immediately dons a tiny fedora. It begins to tap dance across the table.
Parker: Alright, so do we—do we kill it, or do we let it finish the routine?
The chestburster dramatically throws its hat into the air, catches it, and ends with a jazz hands pose.
Ripley: Oh, we are so screwed.
The chestburster bolts across the table, knocking over a salt shaker before vanishing into an air vent.
Dallas: Well, that can’t be good.
Parker: No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just wait it out, right? Little guy probably just needs to use the restroom.
A loud, distant voice echoes from the ship’s intercom:
Mother (the ship’s AI): Attention, crew. Small parasitic creature detected. Recommended response: panic immediately. I repeat, panic immediately.
They all stare at each other.
Dallas: Nobody panic.
The chestburster suddenly reappears, now wearing a tiny police uniform and holding a miniature notepad.
Chestburster: Alright, listen up, folks. One of you is gonna get eaten first, and I gotta be honest… it’s not looking good for the cat.
Jonesy hisses.
Ripley: Absolutely not.
The chestburster shrugs and leaps back into the vent.
Dallas: Alright, I’m just gonna say it. We’re gonna need a bigger spaceship.
Denouement and Closing Scene
The crew frantically searches for the now fully grown alien but comically misinterprets every possible clue. Parker finds a trail of green slime, leftover from a Ghostbusters sequel they shot last week, and follows it in the wrong direction. Ripley opens a closet and Jonesy the cat jumps out wearing a tiny chestburster costume just to mess with her.
Jonesy: Gotcha!!
Meanwhile, the alien, now wearing reading glasses, quietly works on a Sudoku puzzle while in the air ducts.
Alien: Man, they really suck at this.
Next up: The Gladiator’s Half-Time Show
