They say all the best movies have already been made. And whoever “they” are, could be right. We’ve seen it all—slow-motion explosions, last-minute helicopter rescues, villains with unnecessarily elaborate monologues so long, even they forgot what the film was about. Not to mention enough sequels to make a time traveler question their own longevity.
But here’s the problem. Hollywood isn’t about to stop making movies. They just don’t know how to get started again. And if there are no new ideas left, well, the only logical solution is to go back to the goldmine—the classics.
Movie buffs are fed up. “Oh great, another lazy reboot with a number slapped on the end.” Nope. That won’t cut it anymore. Audiences are way too smart for that. They need something fresh. Something that honors the originals while giving them the ridiculous overhauls they desperately need.
That’s where I come in.
With the creative guidance of Hollywood’s finest humorists—think Zucker, Zucker and Abrams, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, and the Coen Brothers, I’ve reimagined 27 legendary films into something entirely new, barely recognizable, and yet still entertaining.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: 27 legendary films? Surely, you can’t be serious!
I am serious. And, don’t call me Shirley!
Thanks to artificial intelligence, imaginative ChatGPT prompts and explosive DALL-E images, everything from sci-fi epics to high-stakes action thrillers, and tragic dramas to mobster flicks, everything is fair game. We can look forward to bureaucratic aliens, philosophical gangsters, confused war heroes, dangerously competitive vegetable games, and enough reckless chariot racing to make Rome itself issue a recall.
If Hollywood is going to keep milking nostalgia for all it’s worth without coming up with anything new, then we might as well have some fun with it.
See you at the movies!
The Day the Earth Stalled
An epic of aliens robots and bureaucratic miscommunication
Original Premise: The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) – “Klaatu Barada Nikto”
A simple phrase spoken to a towering robot determines the fate of humanity in this sci-fi classic, becoming one of the most famous lines in the genre.
Opening Scene
A massive silver spacecraft sits on the National Mall, directly on top of a “No Stopping Anytime” sign. The crowd of onlookers is a mix of tourists, confused government officials, and a hot dog vendor aggressively upselling his “End of the World Special” (a hot dog topped with Ranch Dressing and Crushed Jalapeño Peppers). The hatch of the spaceship hisses open, and a ramp extends downward at an excruciatingly slow speed. The crowd watches in silence as the ramp finally touches the ground.
Klaatu, an impeccably dressed alien, steps out of the spaceship, adjusting his shimmering silver suit. Behind him, Gort, his towering robot and ever-present valet, stands motionless, emitting a faint hum like a refrigerator with bad wiring.
A police officer approaches, pulls out a notepad, and slaps a parking ticket onto the ship’s hull.
General Barnes, flanked by armed soldiers, takes a step forward. He is the kind of man who has never trusted a vending machine and isn’t about to start trusting an un-Earthly one now.
General Barnes: State your business, alien!
Klaatu: I bring a message of peace and progress to your world.
General Barnes: (gesturing to his men) Open fire!
A soldier raises his gun. General Patterson, significantly older and less interested in cardio, smacks the weapon down.
General Patterson: Wait! He said peace and progress. That means… (thinking) better dental plans!
General Barnes: I hate dentists. (to his men) Hold your fire. For now.
Klaatu steps forward. Behind him, a nervous White House intern hands out pamphlets titled “So You’ve Been Contacted by an Alien: A Guide to Not Screwing Up.”
Klaatu: I wish to speak to your leaders.
General Barnes: You’re looking at them. We have a democracy.
Klaatu: Excellent. Take me to your—
General Patterson: But we also have a bureaucracy. So first, you’ll need to fill out this Alien Visitation Request Form 12-A4612b in triplicate. It’s only 36 pages.
Klaatu sighs, producing a glowing clipboard from thin air. As he fills out the form, a nearby scientist approaches Gort with a measuring tape.
Scientist: Fascinating. He’s 15 feet tall, made of an unknown alloy, and radiating pure energy.
Gort suddenly emits a bright beam, vaporizing a parking meter.
Scientist: Also, he does not recognize municipal authority.
Klaatu: Gort, no. That was not a threat.
Gort: (mumbles something under his breath)
General Patterson: If he can melt parking meters, I like him already.
A corporal rushes up, panting, waving a crumpled sheet of paper.
Corporal Jenkins: Sir! We found something on the ship!
General Barnes: What is it?
Corporal Jenkins: It’s a big flying thing from outer space, but we don’t have time for that now.
We also found some sort of operator’s manual. It’s… well, we tried to read it, but it’s written in some weird alien script.
Klaatu: (grabbing the paper) It’s cursive handwriting. Cavemen used to use it.
Corporal Jenkins: Oh. Uh… we just skimmed it.
Klaatu sighs.
General Barnes: Look, alien, we’ve seen enough movies to know where this is going. You bring a message of peace, but then the next thing you know, your giant robot starts zapping landmarks and demanding tribute.
Klaatu: That is not how this works.
General Patterson: That’s what they said in War of the Worlds. And look how that turned out.
Klaatu: That was fiction.
General Barnes: So was Waterworld, but we still keep an eye on the oceans anyway.
Klaatu pinches the bridge of his nose.
Klaatu: Look, if things go south between us, and your government ends up extraditing me to Disneyland, I need you to say one phrase to Gort, and it is very important that you get it right.
General Patterson: Let’s hear it.
Klaatu: Klaatu barada nikto.
Long silence.
General Barnes: What is that? Do you capitalize, boldface or italicize it?
Klaatu: No, and it’s a command. It tells Gort to stand down and not destroy your planet.
General Patterson: Oh! Well, that’s a relief. We were about to panic.
Gort suddenly takes a step forward. The humming intensifies.
Klaatu: Did anyone hear what I just said?!
Corporal Jenkins: Yeah, you said “Klaatu banana nacho.”
Gort hums louder.
General Patterson: Oh, so it’s one of those finicky command phrases.
Klaatu: (panicking) No, it has to be exact! Klaatu barada nikto!
General Barnes: (to his men) Alright, someone write that down.
A nearby sergeant scribbles: “Klah-two burrito knick-knack.”
Gort raises its arm. A parked car bursts into flames. His eyes glow brighter.
General Patterson: Okay, let’s get this right. Klaatu… burrito…
General Barnes: Nicotine.
General Patterson: Right. But should we throw in a “please” just to be polite?
Gort’s humming reaches a critical pitch. A fire hydrant explodes.
Klaatu: JUST SAY IT!
General Patterson: Klaatu barada nikto!
The humming stops. Gort lowers his arm. The crowd sighs in relief.
General Barnes: Whew! That was close.
Corporal Jenkins: What do we do now?
Klaatu: Maybe, just maybe, you can try listening.
The generals exchange a look as they begin walking back to their Jeeps.
General Patterson: You know… I was beginning to like him.
General Barnes: Yeah, me too. Probably should’ve offered him coffee and donuts.
Denouement and Closing Scene
Klaatu shakes his head and walks back into the ship, muttering in frustration. Gort turns and follows, but not before he vaporizes another parking meter.
The spaceship begins to hum, rising slowly. A banner unfurls from the side of the ship that reads: “This planet has been deemed ridiculous.”
The ship vanishes into the sky, leaving behind a scorched parking lot and several melted traffic signs.
Next up: Shirley and The Taxi Driver
