The Turnip Hollow Times
February 11, 2025
By Merle Fiddlestitch
Published by The Turnip Hollow Times
Turnip Hollow, Missouri
In a surprise announcement that left business owners and undercover agents equally perplexed, the Trump administration has unveiled its latest federal masterpiece: the Department of Secret Service-Backed Small Business Advancement and Covert Entrepreneurship Bureau (DSSSBACEB). This trailblazing new agency will combine the stealthy prowess of the United States Secret Service with the entrepreneurial spirit of the Small Business Administration, because apparently, nothing says “economic growth” like bulletproof vests and earpieces.
At a press conference held inside a dimly lit strip mall parking lot, Acting Deputy Liaison of Redundant Departments, Percival Crankbucket, declared, “It’s time we recognize the critical overlap between clandestine security operations and supporting mom-and-pop shops. This agency ensures that your artisanal soap business can thrive—while also being monitored for potential espionage.”
“I don’t need federal agents watching me knit. The yarn is complicated enough without someone in sunglasses asking if I’ve seen any suspicious purl stitches.”
– Ethel Snogbottom
Dr. Euphemia Butterwhistle, Senior Fellow of Disguised Capitalism at the Midwest Institute of Advanced Irrelevance, praised the new bureau: “Merging small business initiatives with covert surveillance makes perfect sense. Who’s to say your neighborhood bakery isn’t harboring secrets along with sourdough?”
Not everyone is convinced, however. Dr. Cornelius Pimplethorpe, Professor of Unnecessary Mergers at the University of Dubious Policies, voiced his concerns: “Combining entrepreneurship with undercover operations could lead to confusion. Are they here to approve my loan application or investigate my Etsy sales? It’s a fine line.”
Local business owners are equally baffled. Hiram Wobbleton, proud proprietor of ‘Wobbleton’s Waffle Wonders,’ expressed cautious optimism: “If having a Secret Service agent next to my cash register reduces credit card fraud, I’m all for it. Plus, they look sharp in those suits.”
On the other hand, Ethel Snogbottom, owner of ‘Ethel’s Knitted Nightwear Emporium,’ was less enthusiastic: “I don’t need federal agents watching me knit. The yarn is complicated enough without someone in sunglasses asking if I’ve seen any suspicious purl stitches.”
The DSSSBACEB’s headquarters will reportedly be located in an undisclosed basement somewhere near a mall kiosk. Its mission, as outlined in an accidentally leaked memo, includes “protecting small businesses from threats both foreign and domestic, and possibly offering marketing tips.”
For more information, or to remain thoroughly confused, please contact The Annual Potato Review or Ferret Fanciers Weekly.
Media Contact:
Thaddeus Mucklethorpe
Supreme Coordinator of Entrepreneurial Surveillance
Email: definitelyreal@dsssbaceb.gov
Phone: (555) 404-1234 (currently unavailable due to technical glitches)
Merle Fiddlestitch is an award-winning journalist celebrated for investigative pieces such as The Great Pickle Jar Heist of 1997, Do Garden Gnomes Have a Secret Agenda? and The Untold Story of Left-Handed Spoons.
